Only an Angel may fly

the things that i think and do

humans should be gods

You Are My Personal Saturn, Saturnine.

Christ is dead and I have killed her.

08/09/23

i am on mild break from constant update of this site bc im too exhausted but i will share these two reflections ive had, one about lenin's state and rev's pessimism and another about st augustine:

But how rapidly this development will proceed, how soon it will reach the point of rupture with the division of labour, of the eradication of the antithesis between mental and physical labour, if the transformation of labour into ‘the prime necessity of life’ - this we do not and cannot know.
That is why we are justified in speaking only of the inevitable withering away of the state, emphasising the lengthiness of this process and it’s dependence upon the rapidity of development of the higher phase of communism, and leaving white open the question of the schedule or concrete forms of the withering away; for there is no material for the answering of such questions.
i think that this is a pessimism inundated within lenin's work and general theoretical backing that led to his downfall. he demonstrates his obsession with the violent side of revolution, the side that involves wage labour compromises and a reliance upon a democratic centralist state, and refuses to engage with the more joyous, love based approaches that are inundated within the ideas of the true form of communism. lenin was a fantastic and fundamentally hugely important communist theoritician but i think that his negative and pessimistic approach to things allowed a toxic sense of "realism" to infect him and allow opportunism into the revolution

on augustine, his doctrine of original sin fascinates me. it represents one of the earliest conceptions we as a species have of geneticism, with the sin of adam being passed down literally via sexual reproduction, because of the different character sex took on after the fall of adam. the approaches to apologetics and christian theology fascinate me; definitely an example of treating the existence of god as axiomatic and the beautiful prose that comes from it. i am still feeling out in what sense i am influenced by augustine but i most certainly Am.

26/08/23

i oppose wholeheartedly any notion of guilt or moral concern that aligns itself with anything besides the loving as hard and as wholeheartedly my fellow man as much as she is able and accepting to be loved. i piss on christ and his assertation that my behaviour must fit a standard set out based on some kind of superfluous moralism that distracts me from doing what i can with my love. my holiness shall be vanquished and the unholy deeds i shall enact shall contain more hope, desire and joy in them than anything christ the betrayer could offer me.

21/08/23

me and my bestie are reading freud together. this idea he has that guilt is just an expression of anxiety (anxiety being at the root of all things), and that religion comes about as a societal mode to salve that anxiety (expressed as sin)

19/08/23

im striking the past few days from the record emotionally. ive never been mentally ill in my life. also today is mine and clara's one month anniversary! i love her literally so much. im not normal abt her she is my joie du vivre (LOL throwback) and i am so enamoured by her.

14/08/23

i am struggling with the crushing boredom of having nothing to do. days blend themselves together, not even necessarily in a bad way, but they do. the last week was very busy but it feels as if it was a million years ago. i would worry, but this is just a state i exist in when i have few responsibilities which will pass. it is strange though. i also dwell on my mental health a little; my predilection towards codependency is an issue for me, it is one borderline trait i have immense trouble quelling. likely due to the ways i cope with my borderline being largely relational with "fps". i do not feel as if i am in the right place to fix it proper though i shall begrudgingly force myself to stymie that type of attitude in close relations. i remind myself that in the past it has caused significant issues, and that people deserve intimate closeness with me without my eventual freaking out and having to "fix" sth.

also i'm still so in love. everything about her sets my heart on fire. i am enamoured by her in the strongest possible way; she is enchanting

freud's civilisation and its discontents is fascinating. freud's cynically optimistic take on society and its means is enticing to me - he marries cynicism with optimism, says that love is the outset of civilisation but also says so in a very demeaning way based on rather selfish desires, championingideas that humans are characterised by the positive things we talk about but doesn’t take a necessary agreement that those things are positive, as opposed to just saying humans are motivated by greed. definitely lends himself to transhumanist and pro trans/gay mindsets. the supposed clash between society and sexuality being brought up is determined initially as a matter of monogamy - sexual relations are a matter between two people and that a third person being introduced causes strife, whereas society is a relation based on love in freud's mind, but populated by a great many number of people. it is an interesting idea. in synthesis with communism i wonder whether a comparison between polyamory/ethical non-monogamy and a society based upon freedom, love and connection (a la a communist one in the way i understand communism) between all humans might do something to answer this clash freud sees.

09/08/23

i want to be so sweet i make people nauseous. i want to evoke the saccharine sense that fairground candy, childhood love notes and the musical approach of the jesus and mary chain. the bubblegum pop songs of my soul need to be drowned in distortion and feedback. i want to feel like drinking on painkillers, like the feeling you get when you realise you've gotten too high but you're around people you trust intensely so you can let yourself collapse into the altered state. being friends with me should feel at once pointless but also breathtaking. speak to me to find meaning in the emptiness.

07/08/23

i wrote another love poem and she seemed to enjoy it. really enjoyed playing with imagery on this one, as well as having an excuse to spend hours just starting at pictures of someone i love whilst it actually is productive!! in my poetry section lol.

06/08/23

WHY AM I ALLERGIC TO THE FUCKING WORLD

05/08/23

oh christ i am so hopelessly in love

02/08/23

travelling around the city with some friends nad loving eachother is just so wonderful. love is so important. also lately i'm struck by how much i HATE weaponry. as a concept. i think theres probably a freudian reading on how weaponry as a concept is some type of misplaced psychosexual desire (developing this theory will be rly fucking fun lol). the idea of a creation that is designed purely out of killing, maiming and hurting other things is just so horrible to me? i can appreciate a certain animalistic 'coolness' to the bravado and power and also an aesthetic appreciation of certain types of weapons but i have a deep feeling of unease and resentment around all weaponry. it is a disgusting state that there exist items that exist solely for the killing of another human. i wish i had a gun that fired love instead of hate
i approach myself with a sincerity born out of finding myself fun, interesting but also funny. i feel empowered in saying crazy shit sometimes bc ik i do actually know where the line is, i just choose not to make myself always toe it. i think that's a fun way to be

31/07/23

lol so yeah dude wtf!!!! a completely and utterly wonderful thing has happened to me lately and i am still nowhere near close to even remotely believing that actually did happen but i have been, whilst horribly fucking drained and full of trepidation and swinging between extreme emotional states like a see-saw, incredibly incredibly happy. i am entirely and truly connected to the world, my love flows from me and out into the world and it is being returned. i have had some sort of an apotheosis

also i love art. art. especially music. these are wordless expressions of the human soul. no demonstration of human love and joy is more pure for me than in music

i spent a lot of time hiding from the world and sleeping this past week and a bit anyway. tired as hell. but i wonder if im not just undergoing a moth cocoon style metamorphosis (as per usual with me. i change!). also im smoking too much weed which im gonna stop LOL. things are probably good tho :)

19/07/23

a few weeks ago i just wrote "dude wtf". i'd like rn to echo that statement but in all caps bc DUDE WTF

17/07/23

i return to people, and honestly i am struck with a disappointing lack of epiphany or conclusion from the break. it was largely just boring and i feel slightly less glued but otherwise meh, the same as ever. i suppose that could be worse. i was SUPER gay yesterday tho like wow
new t4t poem soon...

14/07/23

related to last entry, i am having a break from people. or well, from a certain person in fairness, not that it is their fault, but i am combining it with what is just a wider break from social media etc, largely just for the sake of it if anything. i am in a trough right now and i know exactly why it is and i hope that as time goes on the independence i gain now will fix that. i am not happy but i am centred and secure, i feel.

12/07/23

i cannot deal with knowing other humans this shit is so tiring. not even in a bad way but everyone (well. 3 people)'s emotions affect me so much such that even talking to one can completely RUIN how i feel about everything. i did a complete 180 on myself so many times and now looking at certain people makes me shrivel up inside. SIGH!

11/07/23

at 9am today i apparently wrote the following in my notes file
god sometimes i could just stare at myself in a mirror for hours. i’m so beautiful
that's honestly rather funny. true asf tho i am so proportional. i however have no memory of writing this. i slept until 12 today so i suppose i mustve got up to go to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror???
actually on reflection i think i do briefly recall getting up to pee and staring at myself in the mirror and just being enamoured by how wonderfully and perfectly formed every piece of my face is. i sometimes feel crafted to utter perfection. i am divine.

i really need therapy huh

10/07/23

hard to describe my feelings as of late - i think the relative lack of stimulation due to not having university to attend to is driving me a liiiittle wild. i just get high and lie awake thinking about what it is exactly that makes up my joie du vivre lol. not seeing a certain friend is driving me up the wall a little, also my sleep is going utterly terribly. im... itd be wrong to say im in a low point because honestly im enjoying myself rn but i am definitely unproductive and wilting. if this state was permanent then id be in real trouble. fortunately however it isnt ^^ seeing aforementioned friend tomorrow and going to be Doing Stuff, will probably feel a little more energised then. also no more weed for a while.

i gave myself some solitude and feel better now. more in touch w the world; i feel as if my love and my joy is more centred. connected. it is however concerning that even an hour away from discord helped me so much; my online addiction is causing me no small amount of trouble. perhaps i would benefit from a longer break.

07/07/23

SO TIRED FOR VERY GOOD AND HAPPY REASONS BUT I AM SO FUCKING TIIIIIRED

learning many things abt things :3

06/07/23

something interesting may be happening tbh

04/07/23

ideological optimism is an insanely healing thing to me. i was such a miserable little fucking gremlin and now i am not a miserable little fucking gremlin LOL. monsignor pruitt (im so nerdy) said it best when he said that not only should we not assume the worst, we should assume the best, because that's what god tells us to do.
properly approaching my weird religion stuff is sth i should maybe do. i at this point am essentially a believer in christian theology, the parts of it i like at least, but i am also an atheist who rejects any and all external spiritualism. in true nietzchean fashion i believe that god is dead and that all spirituality is constructed, but in true augustinian fashion i believe that is good. i reject this concept that faith based on an unreal thing is somehow less helpful. if a person is lied to and creates great things from those lies, then is the lie even wrong or less meaningful simply because it isn't by some standard ontologically true. i accept that there are certain things that Do exist (like tables) and certain things that Don't exist (like god) but if the latter can inspire great works then by all means play on. it also grants me the secret power to pull the ace out when it comes to it inspiring terrible things bc i can destroy any and all external spiritualism easily with my sexy humanist powers :3
i think that magic, spirituality, god, theism, are things that are created by the coalescing of human love and relations. they are very real and existing powers for as long as we believe in them. the existence of miracles doens't even remotely clash with my atheist tenets because i am still a humanist. i believe that humans have the absolute ultimate power over the universes they inhabit, i believe that enough people believing something to be true essentially makes it true (with various caveats made around the power of belief, a la the early christians). i don't think that for example it's really necessary to look at a medieval english history book and approach it as if all the people who lived in that era and followed god were in some way delusional. they lived in the god paradigm. it is an anachronism to look at them now when we have exited the god paradigm as if we are somehow more right than them - there are things that we hold as granted now in the 21st century that in the 22nd or 23rd centuries will look utterly absurd. it is my choice to simply accept that absurdity and live my life empowering and believing as powerfully as possible in the human spirit. that is at the core of all religion and that is not something i can oppose.
external spiritualism, that's what i oppose. the idea that there is something inhuman, supernatural. theistic ideas around an overseeing god that created humanity. humanity has no creator, humanity's love stems from nothing but itself. my strongest belief is the following: humanity is and always has been enough

supernaturalism and theism are dual curses but theology and religious belief can be salvaged from them!

03/07/23

i did at least prove to myself that my friends still love me etc, and arent going anywhere after we've all moved out. feeling connected with my friends and loved ones again; some lovely engagements are occuring :] brit luvr lol

01/07/23

well, i finally moved out of my house that ive been in with friends for a year now. pretty sad/melancholic about it, i really strongly miss my friends, especially the one to whom i am closest with (who is also going on holiday for a week so i will not see him for ages and ages D:). otherwise it's for the best though. house was a big stress on me. now i just need to really relax properly

having 2 or 3 fps sounds like itd be great (editors note: NO IT DOESNT) until all 3 of them are awol and not talking to me jklsdfklj honestly in such a terrible emotional state as of late solely bc of bpd. i have only lovely and wonderful fps but due to an issue far beyond his control one of my fps is in an incredibly bad state and it feels like his negative emotional state is just leaking into my head and poisoning the utter fuck out of me. nothing has any joy for me right now its really quite fucking terrible LOL - he wants to die so i want to die. stupid fucking disease because i have nothing going poorly in my life rn but yeah i guess i am afflicted.
also other fp (who i will god willing speak with tonight which should heal me a bit) kinda confronted me with a bit of my weird trans related issues which was a bit of a wakeup call Skull Emoji. im really not ready to process those rn but fuck me that's a. thing!

sometimes i have no one. that is such a horrifying thought. but right now i really just have no one, no one in the world. christ that is so utterly utterly terrifying

27/06/23

dude wtf?

25/06/23

slipping from incredibly upset to bored to joyous lately. a horrible state honestly, something im currently struggling but will hopefully manage to capture in poetry. my borderline traits are forefront lately i must confess. the same issues as i had talked about on 19th unfortunately did not prove themselves ending. it is funny though since i spend great swathes of time feeling fine or even actively good but also great swathes so depressed i can't move. i know exactly what causes it but unfortunately haven't the power to fix it. though i do have the power to manage my responses to it which i am ofc totally doing (< -- lie)
but no, i shall be okay. my hormone dosages are incredibly fucked, and im so horribly overheated constantly. tired all the time. i'll get myself together ^^

21/06/23

a little better today i think. nice.

have been having some thoughts surrounding the latest online trend of radfems (which i was ostensibly within the vicinity of for a period of time), and also the general expression of online discourse. i think that online radfems represent a kind of irrationality symptomatic of their lack of marxist dialectical approach in their supposed staunch materialism - they don't take a holistic picture of all the various factors (especially historical factors) at place to make one's material reality and instead zone in on the bland physical traits (a friend draws up the word "essentialism" here which i agree with) at play that describe them. from this very one-dimensional approach to "material reality" stems irrationalities especially wrt topics around transsexuality. this bears further discussion.

19/06/23

been in the emotional fucking wringer lately but i feel also as if the strife may be approaching an end soon. a particular bugbear has made itself apparent and i shall destroy it

love is the most important thing. i believe that communism is merely the expression of love as applied to politics. the political synthesis of falling wholly in love with humanity

18/06/23

having someone to whom i can just talk about nothing for hours and never get bored is endlessly wonderful ♡

17/06/23

grah why am i retarded abt things. im not gonna clarify what the things are thats between me and god but grah i cant accept certain things just being o k reee

16//06/23

got higher than i have ever been high in my life last night, a lot of fun but jesus im tired and in a liminal space now LMFAO. also i swear to god i just hallucinated a discord message ? this is disturbing me more than it should

14/06/23

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY (< - me @ myself lately)
also ari is so wonderful to me :) i could never ask for a better best friend. he is so endlessly caring and wonderful - the replacement chain he bought me for the necklace he bought me has arrived today and i feel far more whole and content as a person. i am privileged to be around someone as enlightening and wonderful.

fsr reading is a total chore for me lately. managing to get back into it today; finishing the introduction to the critique of political economy before i begin with the german ideology in earnest. not much is being said as such but the introduction to concepts surrounding abstractions of labour and how their being understood is now so possible because of the true complexity of production in bourgeois society is well put. much as i am an adorer of debord, pankhurst and blah blah, it is quite impossible to truly build upon marx without becoming reduced. such a genius.

13/06/23

before sleeping today i spent an hour and a half in a vc with a good friend; we just spoke about dogs which was honestly wonderful bc i love dogs but as we left the call and said goodnight she made a comment that "the more we talk i think the more we realise how similar we are", and honestly that's really nice. quite a good way of being seen - the two of us have super dif aesthetics and interests but indeed i think to the fundamentals we are very in line and similar lol. a dif type of similarity as i have to my close friends such that we are complementary to eachother (i.e. my closest friend is very emotionally grounded when i severely am NOT), this friend and i honestly i feel as if we are just identical in a lot of ways LOL. not all but sometimes she will say something and it'll just be like get out of my head (another friend hwo is incredibly bpd i have the same with). that's nice. an interesting and refreshing way to be seen.

12/06/23

my days are starting to become very boring and blend together, with the only definition being when i spend time with friends. a natural consequence of beginning a period of rest due to time off uni. i still have to move my things out which will be annoying. i'm also going to be getting high on thursday with some soon to be ex housemates!
also wrote a poem today, one i'm rather proud of actually. my tenth! i'm turning into quite a poet, which i'm rather pleased about :)

09/06/23

theory test passed B]

06/06/23

i have not been as happy and content as i feel rn in a long time. my historic closest friend and i had a three hour vc and i feel very much as if i simultaenously revealed and repaired quite a severe and damaging gap or hole in my life. i had been tentatively saying its good to have her back in my life since i wasnt sure itd stick but now i am certain and i feel so relieved that i have my friend back. the gap of years has been so easily bridged and i feel nearly moved to tears by how truly relieved i feel.
also managed to squeeze in a catchup with an old work friend LOL, she is also doing v well ^^

05/06/23

i am making headways into reuniting with a number of friends who were in the past incredibly close to me but i have now drifted away from; it is lovely. despite us having been out of eachothers lives for years, the closeness just immediately returns and i feel like ive filled a hole in my life i didnt even know i had

04/06/23

had my first piercing today!!! a septum. hurt like hell but its done and its cool asf now. then had some big big argument with a now ig ex friend which was weird asf but honestly mainly just funny, i afterwards spent most of the day with one of the other friends who was involved. it was good - we lay down together talking to assuage eachother's anxiety, it's what i love abt friendship
rounded out the day by vcing with clara and also a mutual friend - we had some very interesting conversations, most interetingly on how our approaches to humanism differ. hers celebrates creation whereas mine celebrates love, and it appears the union between our approaches is that we both wish to celebrate the ways people find influence in eachother. having thoughts on marxist humanism lately, hoping to come to some interesting conclusions. good god i love people

03/06/23

jesus yesterday was tiring. i had to be up at like before 08 after sleeping maybe 4 hours to go fail my fucking driving theory (BY ONE MARK. AGAIN. THE MOST ANNOYING THING), then miss my train, not find the book i was looking for after looking across all of town, it sucked .-. tho i did manage to spend a lot of time w my friends when i came back, we all chilled and ate pizza and watched one guy play zelda. ridiculously exhausted although i did at least manage to get some good sleep

today i am speaking with ari who like never vcs which is lovely, we're gonna listen to some music to assist me in my gothic metal quest, and then hopefully also clara as well if she's free and around :)

me to oscar:

becoming an augustinian communist would be weird but also the kind of thing id do. fundamentally though i think spirituality is a subjective thing. trying to work out an objective theism to the world is cringe, but identifying the way human connection and material history brings about magic is worthwhile

01/06/23

debord makes the fascinating point that things like paying for touristic travel or meetings with celebrities represent the amount of alienation we as a society are taken from the actual natural things (conversation, travel, etc) they represent as spectactular facsimiles of.
finished, will return to it sooner rather than later in order to perhaps make some annotations etc. whilst im not certain abt all the conclusions hes made i thought it was very good, his analysis of the commodity form and capitalist view of time, as well as the idea behind this understanding of the spectacle in general were all v enlightening. this understanding of the spectacle was in fairness already rather important to my political philosophising and i suppose now it will be moreso.

i really connect with the lyric "I don't need you to love my soul, I need you to love my body", from the paper chase. i connect it to my homosexuality - gay love is such a denigrated thing but it's in a particular way, owing to the level at which we're desexualised and sanitised. gay people are "reduced" to being artists, theorists and other oscar wilde style people with beautiful soulful thoughts who have no real sexuality. gay desire is so hated, the idea that i may be one of those gay guys who actually wants to have sex with members of the same sex is like, repulsive to the casual homophobe, as opposed to just having some type of weird intellectual relationship. actual, sexual desire from gay people is so fucking radically beautiful. hence, i don't need my soul loved or my art adored or my mind admired - i need to be wanted in a vulgar, crass and sexual way, not in a sanitised way that leaves no room for the actual hormonal passion aflame within me - i want to fuck!
some people would sooner top a twink than stop and think, and i am some people!!! i spent my whole life being told how i'm a good writer or i have a good fashion sense or taste in music or w/e and i appreciate it bc ofc i do and i'm incredibly vaguely speaking content in myself (terrible insecurity moments nonwithstanding ofc) and i have heard these things all my life but i want to be wanted. im tired of the oscar wilde treatment where gay people are denigrated to remain within the artistic world, neutered and completely desexualised, buried in books and abstract music. so tired of every tiny expression of sexual desire being something that the vast majority will be disgusted or grossed out by, so tired of feeling as if i'm genuinely depraved because of my sex drive. even writing this i rephrase myself constantly because i fear i'm going "too far" and that to actually express the mere possession of a libido is something i have to keep under eternal lock and key.

31/05/23

i accidentally broke a necklace my best friend ari bought me, a while back, snapped the chain and i have been very upset abt it, i bought myself a new leather cord that i wont break via autistically pulling but ari is so genuinely lovely that he bought me a new one, this is so kind

so so tired lol. hayfever kickin my ASS! otherwise mainly just listening to music. society of the spectacle is an interesting book - the radical politics section kinda dragged a little for me? very relational without saying too much which i dont necessarily think works for a political thing, but the first three chapters were absolutely amazing. this bit on time is odd but the more i read through it the more i liked it and started to connect with it

29/05/23

never in any period of mylife have i believed in ghosts. isn't that weird? i'm the right type of insane for it but i never believed in ghosts. i need to like. start believing in ghosts for a bit just for fun. also i should read hegel, on a related note
debord is taking down anarchists and socdems and its really fucking funny lol. can basically quote him as saying "stirnerite anarchism is fucking stupid" and hes RIGHT. made some pretty interesting cases about past socialist movements, went really deep into how stalinism fits into the spectacle, i.e. pointed out that his whole purge/teenage girl photo editing phase is a matter of controlling images and history which has obvious relations to his ideas around the spectacle. the whole section on radical politics and the proletariat is important but honestly less enticing to me as someone more interested in the philosophical ramifications. not that this section isn't fantastic too though it's all fucking awesome

wrote a poem today! abt religion and communism. otherwise im resting. on a music quest and tired

28/05/23

we are all a collection of causes. no person is unique, no person is original, and no idea comes from anything besides a long list of predecessor - even the concept of a unique idea pays a complete disservice to the years long past that will inevitably be present. none of us can ever do anything that doesn’t come from those before us. but to take this as a depressive thesis would be an act of insanity. this is a beautiful thing, the most crystallised and intense demonstration of the humanistic understanding that the most important force driving all of humanity is love and connection. humans are a social species and everything we do is backed up by a shared connection and love with EIGHT BILLION OTHER PEOPLE! isn’t that so lovely and exciting? that everything we do is always so connected and loved? i find this far more exciting and lovely than any individualistic idea.
i hate ideas about the “true self” as opposed to the self that is caused by stimuli. as if a habit picked up from a friend, a neurosis inspired by a mental illness, a superstition picked up from some past event that doesn’t speak to some mythological “true self” is in any way less real, something that needs to be picked past to look at the “real person”. no, no. we are a collection of causes and we are to be understood intelligently in our whole.

on another note, i lately ride on intense emotions. i would rather despair and cry over things than become struck with apathy and an inability to feel anything about my relationships or art. it’s something that really upsets me, and i much prefer my current state where i am drawn to tears by art semi-regularly and have a lot of moments where i am drawn to tell my friends how much i love them and they mean to me! i would rather take life as it is, than to detach myself. a shakespeare quote speaks to me here - macduff, when his family was killed, was implored to “be a man”, to not shed tears for them and to take action, but he wouldn’t have it - he says (paraphrased) “i shall, but first i must feel it like a man!”. i first read this when i was 15 and it has been influencing my life ever since - dropping the masculinity implications perhaps, but besides that. to truly live life, emotions must be felt, expressions must be made. i strive to commit myself to the least level of detachment as is rational for me.

good day today. wrote some banger ass emails, did some banger ass socialising, made some banger ass listening plans. tomorrow need to follow through on some of that

27/05/23

read more on society of the spectacle. chapter 2 directly ties in debord's approach to a marxian one, with paragraph 40 being a scathing approach to the commodity form within the context of the spectacle:

the third chapter then goes onto create an evocative approach to the idea of "stars" (both political and media stars), as well as to a general explanation of the falsified conflicts in post-scarcity societal structures. three passages demonstrating these attached:

the ending too even touches on platonic themes. how wonderful

26/05/23

finished it! wine’s predilection towards liberal capitalism was a bit problematic for me in some parts towards the ending chapters but that as an aside it was nothing short of incredible. wine's theology becomes so apparent towards the latter half of the book and the general condensation of the achievements and various forms of the jewish people never fail to amaze me. especailly the discussion of jews under roman rule and also the way the diaspora coped with the industrial revolution were fantastic. just amazing

also read the first chapter of socirty of the spectacle for a flavour beforr i slept. putting into words some of the thoughts ive been having. shockingly good way of understanding the modern capital's seeming success in terms off free time. paragraphs 5 and 12 sum up for me what are the most important theses in debord's understanding of ghe spectacle, and paragraph 27 describes the failure of capitalist 'free time' just exquisitely:

25/05/23

close to finishing provocative people. the comparison between marxist socialists and the enthusiasm of rabbinic messianism. also some absolutely fascinating discussion of the existence of the jews as a ‘diaspora nation’ - a nation that existed solely as a group of people without any land, and the early zionism it inspired, and the contrasting ‘yiddishite’ movement that called for self determination within this diaspora

also fuck proudhon. reading proudhon is like you come for the lukewarm and fairly shit economic takes and stay bc you hate jews

HOLY SHIT

24/05/23

idea for sth to write abt: drawing together the anti intellectualism within liberal and ‘leftist’ spaces (“tl;dr!” and the death of theory) with the general capitalist milieu’s abhorrence towards sincerity and behaving with vulnerability etc. gives a proper format to my anti anti intellectualism polemic. maybe also draw in my hatred of anti-ism?

23/05/23

had an awesome conversation with my friends today - i had talked to them abt how i am trying to be vulnerable and bare my soul out to the world and they had initially not like, taken it on and thought they could never rly do that, but now apparently theyve realised they are actually allowed to do the same and that my joy of life approach is possible to be taken on by anyone at anytime and the only thing stopping them is that they don't take themselves seriously enough, so now they will. we went out and smelled the flowers, and we saw that life is absolutely beautiful. this is so joyful and wonderful and special.

provocative people is an amazing book. its a book of history that tells a theological story in its summation. to read an individual chapter would be to see no theology, but to read the whole book is to innately see wine's theology in the space he leaves behind

22/05/23

spent so much time with friends. delightful. stayed up until 8am and then got up at 15 to go to the supermarket, then stayed and talked with them all until we went to sleep. absolutely wonderful i love people so much

21/05/23

i showed the poem i wrote to the person it was written about - she seemed to like it. i am showing the world my soul lately and i think it is good.

i’ve long since proclaimed to be in love with myself, and whilst i stand by this rather narcissistic assertion, i have altered it; in the past, i considered it an egoistic statement, positioning self interest and myself above others, but no longer. i am in love with myself because i am the most intimate i can know a human via being one, and i am before anything in total, devotional love with humanity. i see in myself elements of other people, and see elements in other people of myself, and this is lovely! i love life and all the people in it, and so i love myself, and everyone else should love themselves too!

19/05/23

i am so terminally in love

18/05/23

in a real depression for today. used all my energy on getting up and doing a driving lesson and now i'm done. life is so fucking horrid sometimes

rough asf day but im calmer at the least now. i should soothe myself ig. also i think i may just accept that i am a person who meows. i am a catperson and i meow in public. whos gonna stop me. god?

i have head and stomach pain and needing to physically soothe myself actually helped my emotional state. i'mtbh just a cute guy who meows so maybe i am allowed to be loved. i dont need to let my depression own me. i astrally projected and saw im just in a generally vulnerable state lately and i deserve protecting rather than to feel sad.

17/05/23

presented the acoustics research myself and some colleagues did, went well! our suggestions will seemingly be actioned, and we're gonna get our names on plaques in the area for thanks apparently. the only note given on our report was 'please give names so we can appropriately thank you, which was lovely
also finalised my position as a demonstrator next year which is very very good

the way sherwin t.wine writes is glorious. he referred to the alliance between 8th century spanish muslims and jews as a 'marriage made in heaven', which is just devilishly humurous. very thoughtful book - glad to be able to devote more time to it

16/05/23

first driving lesson done! lots of fun, i enjoy driving so this is gonna be a good time. last night was rough, a particular thing was bothering me very heavily until i began to cry quite intensely abt it, didn't get much sleep, but we live. i shall be going back to uni today as i am presenting a report to the radio station people today with my fellow acousticians

15/05/23

i have. FINALLY. finished and i am free. FREE! free from uni until september. this is such. yes. good. things are good. driving lessons begin soon and i adore life and all the people in it. letting of an ANIMAL SHRIEK OF VICTORY!

quotes from me to a friend:

also insomnia is rough lately.

13/05/23

slept from 10 to 19 after finishing off my second piece of coursework. DEfinitely getting silly and gay and artistic, i am just. gosh. god. my particular joie de vivre is tearing its way through my heart like a silver bullet, it's both wonderful and terrifying. i'll know what i mean when i get back to reading this even if you dont ♡

today was a good day anyway actually. spent a lot of time with my housemate ji watching him play his silly games, then spent time with clara watching twin peaks. restful and enjoyable day. now have a few hours of downtime that im spending in a vc w a friend :)

figuring out how i continue this timewise is getting real confusing. i didn't sleep for any of the 13th, so i ended up not being able to understand wtf im even do when writing this. i have now gone through another day i suppose? a day of being extremely bone fucking tired! i only have one more day of coursework to do and then im FREE tho!!!

I AM CRACKING OPEN A LID OF RELATIONAL OPTIMISM. it is always my weakest area within optimism - i find it impossible to simply force myself to believe that relational things are going the way i want them to, im a chronic over thinker. i had a brief moment of my normal approach to optimism - approaching with a bias and a faith and then proving it for myself (a dangerous deviation from the scientific method perhaps but honestly what is objective?), i briefly was able to see how it may feel if i simply… believed i am loved and that the actions of people around me are ones of love. it was wonderful, and what’s more i know it will change my actions and behaviour in such a way that it fulfils it’s own prophecy. i am breaking OPEN the lid on this. my horrendous awkwardness and shyness are precipitated by not having the faith that those around me love me, even though in my pursuits as a humanist, i know that their truest form is to love me. i will endeavour to move on in my life future wise believing that those around me love me, and to treat them as if their approaches to me are the ways i would want them to be. it will be the best way to treat those i love, i think.
there is one friend (he is reading this) with whom i do this, because i am close enough to him that i rarely have doubt he loves me, and so our conversation is carried out under an axiom of deep faith in the life we share and the love imbued in it. but i should approach more people this way. upkeep of my joie de vivre will thank me

ive also been too negative about a certain thing. going forward i'mgoing to focus around what i can build and nurture, not what i can destroy and what may remain for me

10/05/23

well. i was right when i said i was going to fall apart into pieces! what an exhausting few days. i cut myself off from everyone so i could get some work done, which was good for productivity but bad for my mental state, i am now ridiculously unsocialised. someone messaged me randomly the other day and i nearly started crying. but! fortunately the greatest portion of my work is now finished so i can get back to being silly, gay and artistic very soon! i am excited to finish sherwin t. wine's book, and even more excited to start debord's society of the spectacle. my summer break approaches and then i shall turn into an insane sheltered artist.

feel as if i'm sloooooowly clawing myself out of a dark and awful hole of uni work and isolation. itll take time but good lord

04/05/23

another 5 hours today! i'm going to fall apart into pieces. i'm alive though. also i think im gonna study theology sometime.

02/05/23

7 hours of uni work today, shockingly tired. my reticence in diary updates stem only feom lack of time and ability. not thinking of much besides work anyway

my feet hurt. i need rest

30/04/23

going to try doing some work today. might get chatgpt to help ngl.
didnt get chatgpt to help but i did do work. had the worlds worst sensory overload too it was really quite horrible! also i think im going to fully move away from being a radfem ngl. i support the ideas but like im so tired of making excuses for their abject hatred of me lol.

29/04/23

I'M SO TIRED I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN HAS BEEN FLATTENED INTO LITTLE CHUNKS AND SOMEONES CUTTING THEM OUT WITH A COOKIE CUTTER AND BAKING THEM. i need to sleep. bit dramatic perhaps but god.

28/04/23

AN EXHAUSTING FEW DAYS. finished off my semester - still loads of shit to do but no more formal teaching at least. also tried to go out for a drink yesterday with some coursemates - i'm so bored of alcohol now i think it's over for me on that. spending a lot of time with friends, also started a rough draft of a very important poem.
my housemate and i sat on grass for some time. he said he was photosynthesising. i get it. also we are ordering mp3 players which is very fun and whimsical.

on provocative people and what it says about my takes on early christians, true faith in jesus born of general messianic conviction against the romans - rebellion theology!
also first usage of idea of ‘zealot’ = radical pharisee messianism?

25/04/23

my lecturer immediately commented on my hat's ears as soon as i walked into class today
today i am unfortunately just very very tired. i can’t really think. i woke up so unbelievably tired i thought i may die. the only reason i forced myself to get into class was because i knew if i didn’t and went back to sleep then i’d get nothing done all day. luckily in class i have been forced to actually work on my coursework so i’ve made progress

24/04/23

SHERWIN T WINE TELLING ME ABT WHERE THE SADDUCEES COME FROM YES PLEASE SIRRRRR
most people have normal spedterests. i care about late bc/early ad jewish approaches to eschatology and the messiah!

23/04/23

had a wonderful long voice chat with my friend who i rarely get to speak with vocally. was very nice - we spoke at length abt intellectual topics we often discuss, spent lovely time together. also worked a bit on some acoustics project - good day i think. people at my very right wing british pub liked my cat ears XDD

i bought my mtg deck upgrades. showcase new sheoldred for £15 - decent! was planning on getting a friend to send me a cheap copy but it sold out before we could figure it out

the passages in a provocative people regarding jewish assimilation into greek culture are fascinating. the early approach of diaspora and the clash between parochial and philosophical monotheism are very interesting - i wonder if this represented a divergent path in history

we should just use unix time from now on. fuck the date. when you use my site you need to think about the unix time not the real time. it's 1682266825, love it or lose it IDIOT!!!
when i decide to actually learn to use html i will def include a unix time widget on this.

hayfever is murdering me. cant think

possible reason for my beliefs on the early christians - arose in a world where ‘salvation religion’ and other such pulls for religion to do more than just guarantee legacy - truly grandiose religion, which they engaged with the zeal of converts!

22/04/23

things hotting up at uni, moving out soon, very fucking busy all the fucking time, but it's good. time 4 da weekend

20/04/23

busy and tired asf! but i had a wonderful time with my friends today. i love platonic intimacy :3

19/04/23

v tired today. did get some thoughts out to some good friends re: fascist art and love though. i love love so much. true love is so important. not just romantic but also not not romantic. i love love!

18/04/23

woke up from a very nice dream this morning and adamantly refused to wake up from it, ended up nearly being late on account of it but it was worth it. honestly i think having things to do cures my mental illness. i'm far too normal right now and it's just because i'm getting up and busy for uni lol. that's like good but also i think my insanity is endearing so it's almost a shame. that's probably a level of maldaptive thought though LMFAO

this book on the history of jewish people is fucking fascinating. wine introduces this idea of "henotheists", polytheists who only worship one god in spite of belief in other gods, and the idea that the cult of yahweh was originally merely a henotheistic cult to a storm god, and explains the processes by which the shifting allegiances between israel, phoenicia and judah allowed the "yawhweh protest movement" to gain hold and cement yahweh as a state deity such that the state of judaism that created the tanakh arose. awesome awesome book, sherwin t. wine is an absolute genius. i only wish i had more time to read!

went through the absolute fucking trials today. 3 hours of walking around [redacted city where i live]. it was fun cuz i was with my friend but jesus im tired. i got some cute clothes and comic books and a vinyl tho.

another weird phrase cane into my head - 'christ is dead and i have killed her'. i think its more of a sympathetic thing than most (incorrect) nu atheist readings of this type of nietszchean idea... i think in a way im christ here. more to think of.

love is something that happens ‘because’, not ‘even though’

17/04/23

back at uni today, also found out i got the best possible grade in a recording id done recently which is awesome. been doing some good communist thought and writing lately, affirmed my position on the idea of "labour vouchers" being needless in this stage of scarcity after revolution, and that i'm honestly not even sure if a ration system would be taht necessary with the amount of resources we do already have. but labour vouchers are problematic in this era of capital. kinda stressed abt uni work but we game

16/04/23

melancholy is a beautiful emotion in me, perhaps in everyone. i stayed up until past 7am 'last night', which may have not been my most intelligent move, but it was completely worth the exhausted nonexistence today ❤️

told my friend earlier that i consider myself the peak of malehood and then realised how insanely vain that makes me sound. have dwelt upon the idea and yeah i stand by this

15/04/23

i believe i am on an upwards trajectory :). yesterday i went through the trials and the hells but i was just being a dumbass.
the enemy.

excerpts from https://internationalistperspective.org/and-the-war-drags-on/

• The case of Germany and Japan after the Second World War illustrates this reality. Because they were defeated in that war, both countries were condemned to have no significant military forces in the aftermath. This contributed greatly to their reconstruction and to their quickly becoming two major industrial powers again.

• ‘War is a massacre between people who do not know each other, for the benefit of people who know each other but do not massacre each other’

• Both Putin’s and Biden’s power is largely the result of their good relations with their respective military-industrial complexes.

• Let’s take the example of the new Ukrainian hero, Volodymyr Zelensky, president of the country since May 2019, who has become a star in the Western media and places of power, where he regularly appears to ask the Western powers for more and more weapons and promises in exchange the fresh cannon fodder of his country’s youth. When he addressed the US Congress in December 2022, his speech was interrupted 18 times by standing ovations.

• He is known for his recruitment methods, offering to acquit common prisoners of their sentences, whatever they may be, in exchange for six months’ participation in the war in Ukraine. Mercenary soldiering is illegal in Russia and acquitting prisoners requires complex legal requirements. But Prigozhin can get past all that. And it works.

• But it is not only the military aspect. Ukraine is also a country rich in metals.

• As we can see, if it is indeed a decision by Putin, its origin is not in the brain or the megalomaniac madness of an individual, but in the evolution of a balance of power that has been evolving for three decades and constitutes a real provocation. A balance of power whose initiators and builders have been, for the past thirty years, the United States and, more or less behind them, the NATO countries.

• To understand the relations between the capitalist governments, it is useful to have in mind the images of the Chicago gangsters in the 1920s and 1930s. Between capitalist powers, anyone can be an ally or a rival at any given time, brute force, without scruples, as with the Mafia, is the general rule.

• End of the digression. Let us return to the arguments used by the belligerents to justify the ongoing butchery.

• t is true that it is practically ‘the whole of the West’ that is in one way or another waging a ‘proxy’ war in Ukraine, i.e. using only Ukrainian cannon fodder. Wikipedia provides a (very long) list of countries providing ‘aid’ to Ukraine and the content of this ‘aid’ to the ongoing carnage. A war is not only fought with weapons, it also requires enormous logistics, including materiel, medical and financial resources, etc. This list, which is not exhaustive, begins in 2014.

  14/04/23

  came to some very interesting conclusions about my prior confusion with how intolitarian exists. will be found in my writing page eventually.

  13/04/23

  my current state of late is a very strange one. i... would not refer to myself as unhappy, on the contrary i feel fairly happy, my art is flowing (i have written two poems lately and i am very proud of both), i am stressed as ever about my university work that i have not done enough work on but i am sure i will survive it. i feel empowered to romanticise myself and speak at long length to all my friends about things that grow our friendship; things in this respect are lovely, i'm describing a good situation, and yet! it feels silly to say, but my humours are imbalanced. i speak with a sense of unearnt coyness and faux confusion about what may be causing it - i know exactly why i feel such a way but i am unsure how it is that i will be processing it. i will deliberately be dancing around it here such that it is likely impossible to discern, but there is indeed something bothering me. there's some sort of... what metaphor to use? an imbalance? no, a worm in me? neither of these work. standard phrases about pits of sadness and melancholy would fit but feel bland and banal to describe myself here. it would be lying to say that i am faking happiness to stop something bursting and cracking within, i'm not. for once a grandiose metaphor about myself escapes me; surely a rarity in a person of my vanity. it causes a Wrongness in me, a way in which my aspect can't exert itself and isn't fit for the world. yes, perhaps. i am happy! but the situations of the world around me don't want me to be happy. to fully express my happiness and joy in life isn't something i'm able to do. my life is treating me very well but for one aspect, and within that aspect i am powerless and unable to truly interface with the world. there is a deep seated dissatisfaction and WRONGNESS with my aspect and with the world and i can rage all i like but it is a current absolute that i can do nothing to change, and i hate that. i hate it! i hate it so much! and so i find myself drawn into anxiety and self loathing at the slightest inclination because the world is making it clearly visible to me that i am now PERMITTED to live the way i wish and that is a horrible thing.

  if i could merely tell her properly then it would vanish.

  my tanakh did arrive though! i chose the alter version. the alliterative style he keeps introducing is just fabulous :3

  i mean what

  im sure my joie de vivre will return from the war eventually. :).

  I UNDERSTAND NOW. I FIGURED OUT THE HOLE IN MY PSYCHE. LIKE BATMAN AFTER THE END OF FINAL CRISIS I HAVE FOUND THE HOLE IN EVERYTHING. my current situation doesn’t align with my ego right now. i have developed a powerful and decent ego over my whole life but especially over the past few weeks and months i’ve developed a very good picture and impression of myself. what is this situation detracts from it. perhaps this means the picture is inaccurate but therein lies the crux! this discontinuity threatens to either cause my actions to become inappropriate (or so i fear), or for my self esteem to be dragged down to a negative place, to reconcile the disunity between my self image and how i am processing this scenario. there is a hole in everything and it is shaped in the way of my missing joie de vivre.
  quite frankly even figuring out how to put it was a gratifying thing. imagine how good it’ll be when i fix it!!

  11/04/23

  uneventful day. spoke to a dear friend on vc, thought a little about my approach to the party form within communism (i don't have a consistent thought thusfar unfortunately), and also went to a wake for someone i knew who has unfortunately recently died. uneventful day otherwise however. must try to listen to some music tomorrow, an album or something, and i'm continuing to read a provocative people which is fantastic. such evocative pictures of ancient religion and the myths within the hebrew bible. the quote "The inner sanctum was dark since gazing into the faith of the god was dangerous" is so fantastic with context to the canaanite religion

  i am angry. a revelation has occured and i am so oh so BLINDINGLY angry

  10/04/23

  today is a day where i am engaging with jewish theology. i am intending to buy myself a copy of the tanakh and would like to engage in some thought about which translation. i also am starting to read sherwin t. wine's fantastic "a provocative people - a secular history of the jews". in any case i am torn between the JPS version (which i believe to be generally considered the "conventional" option), and robert alter's version. the former appears to be more literally accurate content wise and the latter moreover faithful to the poetry. below are some translational differences that i've found that i find interesting to mull over

  1 Kings 19:11-12.

  alter: "And He said, "Go and stand on the mountain before the LORD, and, look, the LORD is about to pass over, with a great and strong wind tearing apart mountains and smashing rocks before the LORD. Not in the wind is the LORD. And after the wind an earthquake. Not in the earthquake is the LORD. And after the earthquake — fire. Not in the fire is the LORD. And after the fire, a sound of minute stillness."
  JPS: "Come out," He called, "and stand on the mountain before the LORD." And, lo, the LORD passed by. There was a great and mighty wind, splitting mountains and shattering rocks by the power of the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind — an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake — fire; but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire — a soft murmuring sound."
  from my assertion the JPS takes this one very much hands down, i'm not seeing any of alter's poetry that i witness in other passages.

  Isaiah 28:10.

  alter: "For it is filth-pilth, filth-pilth,
  vomit-momit, vomit-momit,
  a little here, a little there."
  JPS: "For it is precept by precept, precept by precept, Line by line, line by line; Here a little, there a little.
  i'll copy here the note on the website i am reading attached about this translation because i think it does it justice:
  "This is, certainly, the strangest translational choice in Alter. I can't think it's successful. Even if you buy that the verse is deliberate gibberish, there are different kinds of gibberish, and the Hebrew is not gibberish with made-up words. And even if you buy that the phonetic kinship that Alter describes is not coincidental, I doubt that it is the most important aspect of the verse to convey. --- ESD"

  Job 16:4.

  alter: "I would din words against you."
  JPS: "I would barrage you with words."
  i am favouring slightly the alter version here. it feels as if the subject is made stronger, and the use of the slightly more archaic "din" suits the idea

  Job 22:29-30.

  alter: When they sink low and you say "Pride"
  who casts his eyes down He rescues.
  He lets the guilty escape
  he escapes through your spotless palms.
  JPS: When other sink low, you will say it is pride; for He saves the humble. He will deliver the guilty; he will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.
  the poetry here is more visible in alter's translation i'd say.

  Job 30:3.

  alter: In want and starvation bereft
  they flee to desert land,
  the darkness of desolate dunes
  JPS: Wasted from want and starvation, They flee to a parched land, To the gloom of desolate wasteland.
  noteworthy here - this is the type of thing alter wanted to do. the original hebrew according to him indicates a level of alliteration and wordplay in "desolate dunes" that isn't present in the JPS version.

  Lamentations 3:2.

  alter: Me he drove off, led away —
  darkness and no light!
  JPS: Me he drove on and on
  in unrelieved darkness.

  Psalms 20:8.

  alter: They—the chariots, and they—the horses,
  but we—the name of the LORD our God invoke.
  JPS: They [call] on chariots, they [call] on horses, but we call on the name of the LORD our God.
  alter's notes included so as to demonstrate why this is an interesting passage: They—the chariots, and they—the horses. The whole line is a neat instance of a strong periodic sentence in which the verb that gives everything meaning — "invoke" — is withheld until the very end. "They" are the enemy of the Israelite king, who foolishly "invoke" or depend on their chariots and horses, instruments of power that are no match for the name the LORD.

  Leviticus 18:20-21.

  alter: And you shall not put your member into your fellow man’s wife to spill seed, to be defiled through her.
  And you shall not dedicate any of your seed to pass over to Molech, and you shall not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.
  JPS: Do not have carnal relations with your neighbor's wife and defile yourself with her.
  Do not allow any of your offspring to be offered up to Molech, and do not profane the name of your God: I am the LORD.
  i have included these particular sections of leviticus due to a very interesting part of alter's notes - he has specifically written "seed" for what would arguable be translateable as "child" here so as to link these two laws together. this i think becomes indicative of alter's approach, to link phrases together in a poetic way which may take some more liberal approaches to the translation by rote

  Deuteronomy 6:5.

  alter: And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your being and with all your might.
  JPS: You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
  this, to me, is the section of the JPS i read that i was least impressed by - as said by alter: "The Hebrew nefesh means "life-breath" or "essential self." The traditional translation of "soul," preserved in many recent versions, is misleading because it suggests a body-soul split alien to biblical thinking."
  if i intend to engage with the historical context of judaism as i do then i do not see myself benefiting from a translation that introduces anachronistic content like this which even i already know in my dilettante theologian capacity to be anachronisms

  i read longer sections of job and leviticus together and was struck by some of the delicate poetry attributable to alter's translations, and more importantly in the context of wine's book that i am reading, an amount of lipservice paid to the polytheistic tradition that did infuse the text that has been largely ignored in conventional wisdom now, and the idea that some of these events may not actually be historically accurate. i have confirmed my suspicion that alter's version is largely (outside of the first text i included here which is weird) the more beautiful version whereas the JPS is more literal and "faithful", in both interpretations of the word. i will think more on which version it is i intend to subscribe myself to mainly, but my romantic approach in all walks of life calls me towards alter's more rn
  i was also pleased with alter's approach to leviticus 18:22 (an area i am concerned with as a homosexual). he didn't attempt to use modern (christian) attempts to completely write off the homophobic interpretation, but did very strongly put it into its cultural context with an acknowledgement that homosexual acts that don't result in the spilling of seed, and lesbian acts, aren't condemned, thus delivering the idea that perhaps the core of the issue for the jews of the time was in a specific nature of the "wasting" of seed, or of the potential idea that homosexual acts containing the spilling of seed function as an aping of heterosexual relations which is perverted, but that homosexuality itself needn't be considered evil from this perspective. that to me is a very good approach to the subject and indeed one that leaves me satisfied.
  below are some other quotes from alter's translation that i just thought were neat :] each had justifying notes that were very thought provoking

  My throat thirsts for You
  The gyre has come round against you
  And Nineveh was a great city of God's
  His roaring tells about Him / His zealous wrath over evil acts.

  09/04/23

  wrote two poems yesterday. am writing a lot of late, it's good. very tired today, but feeling okay. should really get onto doing some work for uni though

  07/04/23

  last night spoke a little to my friends about my idea of meta-constructs making themselves up out of human conceptions, sort of the sum total of ideas but as existing semi-platonic ideas. i have written a little more about it (if there's no link there when u read this then thats bc i hvaent actually written anything yet im just in the process of it hopefully

  otherwise i continue to think about poetry. i'm going to write a shorter poem about kaworu and shinji from evangelion to explore divinity a little in a homosexual context, im enjoying the new arc.

  i also intend to write up a small plan for the communism teaching today - it is unfortunate that both the other people im working with have been indisposed lol.

  thinking a little about the ways in which i was dealing with homophobia growing up. two occasions hit in my head, one fairly banal and another quite frightening. the banal came from an afternoon where i was playing the sims with a friend of mine, i wanted to make a hype house type environment where all the members of a band lived, classic like, band-teen fantasy type thing, and the band consisted of three men and one woman, all of whom were in relationships (to make one het and one gay relationship. i used to imagine the het relationship as boring and constantly argumentative whereas the gay relationship was interesting and healthy. based of me tbh), and i was telling this to a friend and he was wildly confused, it took me about 5 minutes to explain how it could even be possible to have two men be dating without immediately leaning with it. this guy was pro gay and supportive of me when i came out (before that), he was good abt it and got people out of my way in terms of homophobic bullying. but when it was out of his mind, he didn't really care or think abt it as real. that was a really... not nice moment, ik he didnt mean it was wrong and hes just heterosexualised but it was unhappy to experience
  the other was when i was a little younger and i had teenie crushes, i had a thing for a boy my age called steven. he was an online friend who i shared with an irl friend of mine, we had the same online friendgroup (idr how but i think i introduced him to them). i confided with the guy abt my crush on steven which actually constituted the first time i came out to anyone about having gay feelings. he was fine about it (took him a while to even understand that it was happening, i had to explain in very blatant terms that I Was A Fan Of Men but neither here nor there), and i asked him to please keep it between us, because well i considered it obvious, i could've experienced homophobia and wasn't comfortable w my sexuality being widely known. he acquiesced, but later on we had a fight, and the first thing he threatened me with was "remember i know who you have a crush on." and its just... i really got threatened with being outed in a conservative christian school. and at the time it was the worst thing i could think of happening. afaik he didn't tell anyone (tbh he may have done, ik i did get homophobic bullying anyway but if he did then i never heard of it) but jesus the way that being straight just gave him the social power over me so completely rly fucked with my head in the longterm.

  this educational program is becoming more and more something i am working on alone but i am excited by the challenge. here to spread class consciousness am i ^^

  06/04/23

  there is a thing in my life that i can't be... too specific about on here because i think a few friends read my blog (hi guys), but it is a known situation by a number of friends to which i hold a very lackadaisical and carless attitude to, and those ideas arent necessarily lies like i certainly do have a lackadisical and confident attitude to it, but there is another angle by which i feel horribly worthless and terrible about it and like my soul is being dissolved in acid whenever i am reminded of it. the positive side and negative side are likely independent of eachother but the situation about which i am speaking causes me to feel as if i am in hell every second of the day.
  im chillin tho dw.
  see. lackadisical :D.

  

  grind grind grindgrind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind
  this is not related to the earlier moment i am just having a colossal autism moment

  05/04/23

  i finished writing my poem on t4t today - the response from among my friends has been incredibly positive, one of my dearest friends even said it made her cry slightly. gratifying. i think i shall make myself a poet. next i shall write a poem about evangelion i think. ‘when i saw the god, i wasn’t impressed. i was embarrassed, but not of his divinity’ - ‘when i saw the man, i saw my mission. when last i saw the man, i saw my own divinity.’. there is a germ there

  the neoplatonists are just the aliens vs predators of philosophy tbh. i do however believe it accurate by now to consider myself a platonist in general. aristotle fucking sucks tho. and kant’s takes on morality are mega-cringe

  consistency in relationships is so awesome. i am dwelling on the fact that there are probably two, maybe three friends of mine who not only are close and wonderful in every way but are also consistent offerers of certain emotional needs in every point of time i’ve known them. i am so lucky to have such a wonderful set of close friends who i can rely on truly for a support network

  04/04/23

  a friend of mine and i were discussing philosophical leanings and he happened upon a very interesting idea - he has an idea of a "pre-world" that exists before language that language channels and tries to deliver. this aligns a lot with my ideas of semi-platonic forms of art and science etc that are delivered in lesser forms via music, painting and etc, and my ideas of how extreme art like harsh noise and abstract art for example may actually be able to in some respect deliver the true nature of those things without anything "in the way". good to see others helping me with this approach

  my friend said to me today verbatim that "I love getting insights into ur life ur such an interesting beast". that made me chuckle quite a lot. he's right!

  i’ve historically decried taking oneself too seriously, but there is an inverse perspective. taking oneself seriously requires a certain level of confidence and open vulnerability to the world. perhaps i ought try it - my romanticising life takes myself far too seriously already, so perhaps it’s time to stop layering myself with a veneer of sarcasm and to engage with myself in the ways i deserve to be taken seriously. also i wrote a poem today. its in my writings section if youd like to read. zmartwychstawanie
  perhaps writing a porm ab myself is p serious on myself anyway XDDD

  03/04/23

  finally got myself together and finished linking together all ofmy site. finally. i feel accomplished abt it. i also wrote some outlining in my notes app for a poem i intend to write about t4t love today or soon, which is exciting.

  i am struck with an almighty feeling of serenity right now. it has just gone midnight and my best friend has gone to sleep, and i don't have any social medias open, so right now i have no one to speak to or nothing to work on or anything, i can just sit here, read, write a little if it takes me, tidy and such. this is a fantastic feeling. i feel connected to the world around me, not my nose down in a phone. social media detoxes are a good thing

  i am going to be doing some work in a friend's communist group of which i sit on the committee. with a couple of other people on the committee will shall be working to deliver some some classes/informational sessions regarding ultraleft and communist theory, specifically with a mind to bringing general leftists onboard to where our platform is - aligning with ideas like the USSR being an example of state capitalism, communism anti-unionism and other particular stances we and the ultraleft in general take. i'm rather excited about the prospect, furthering my political engagement feels good and also it's generally quite an exciting project for me.

  02/04/23

  spoke again to my friend about communisation. i am in two minds about it, wherein the idealist within me clashes with the tiny tiny shred of reasonable pragmatism within me. i find a certain sense of beauty and adoration in the idea of the proletarian revolution being solely focused with obtaining political power and supremacy over the capitalists, in some sort of simplistic ultimate fulfilment of what marx predicted, some sort of lance directed straight at the heart of capitalism. i think that idea can be romanticised fully and the idealist in me screams with love for it. as a platonist i adore things that can be so hyperfocused like that and generally so true to some kind of spirit.
  however, even my idealism must have a limit, because i think it is likely accurate to say that if we do not challenge the social relationships of capitalism from the absolute offset, prepare the field for communism before it is trod upon, then that will not ever happen and we will be given a case of capitalist resurgence, red fascism and what have you. i am drawn unfortunately to a pragmatic nature of accepting the need for a sensible revolutionary program that isn't entirely ruled by what i think is cool sounding and personally philosophically gratifying. she did also bring up this idea of the dictatorship of the proletariat arising spontaeneously rather than being something deliberately set up, which i believe i can romanticise to some extent.
  so ultimately, much as it will take some more meditation, i find myself agreeing closer with her idea of communisation. i now just need a way to make that feel romantic and beautiful to me in its own way.

  i love being t4t so much. other trans women are just so wonderfully divinely beautiful. theres a thing i noticed where closer mtf friends will ease off on the voice training when very tired and around people with whom they're comfortable and it's just such a beautiful unspoken show of beauty. i am just so enamoured by the form of mtf beauty in all respects. i am lost in a reverie of mutual transgender beauty

  01/04/23

  yesterday's interview went well. they seem interested in my hopeful for doing a phd. also spent some time with my housemates, it was one of their birthday celebrations, for which i bought him a cute bag charm that he was thrilled with and some hatsune miku themed gummies, which he was also equally enamoured with, having apparently been looking for them for a time now. thinking about how embarassing it is to be a nazi today. overall just a horrible and morally reprehensible thing of course but also just so cringe. they set themeslves up as this awesome uber-powerful military nation and then lost against a shit degenerated version of the october revolution. that is just so pathetic. included ari's take on it because i think it sums it up well!

  

  i also listened to an absolutely gorgeous rendition of hallelujah performed in my local pub today. and now i am going to be watching batman begins with a very very dear friend of mine :3 i have some time off of for easter so i intend to spend some of it resting

  30/03/23

  more depression today unfortunately. had an unpleasant misunderstanding with a close friend and split over it. fortunately the depression nap this predicated did actually mend my sleep deficit it seems which is nice
  discussed my hopeful future phd with a lecturer too and he seemed genuinely wow-ed - he ended up giving me a LOT of challenges on it in order to strengthen my premises but when i mentioned it casually he was like "woah woah woah, step back!! explain more!", it was very nice! i also wrote a little to my friend anna about my take on optimism and belief in the present that i'm saving here bc it will be useful to me when i start writing with her proper

  "with my approach regarding needing to do things for the future, whilst i’m not particularly emotionally connected to the concept, i think that as a race our political action should focus on the future, because the present sucks and the ultimate goal i suppose we’re all looking for is a better future, but emotionally as i said i have essentially 0 connection with the prospect (which is probably why my explanation of it seems so lame and uninspired). i just don’t have this concept of legacy that most people seem to have, it doesn’t “work” for me. so i attempt a workaround via my optimistic approach which is to take a genuine belief that all my goals are available within my lifetime, as unlikely as a detractor may claim that is
  so yeah, i struggle very prototypically with short-sightedness, but out of a cognitive desire to fix it, i’ve started to move a lot of my action out of what may make me uninterested due to a naturally shortsighted nature. i don’t necessarily want to live forever in some detached way - i want to live right now and do cool and engaging shit in my lifetime, but given i believe action for the future is paramount i have tried to engage myself in action typically considered as for the future but to conceptualise it as work for the present - for example i believe that we will achieve “full communism” in under 50 years if applied correctly etc (silly example but it’s one i like to pull out to combat depressive commies).
  in fairness to myself, i don’t think my approach is without merit. there’s a certain beauty to forgoing concepts of legacy and living entirely within the present, so long as it’s done without shortsightedness or apathy. i think an approach of forgoing the common need to put radical change into the “longterm goals” category is if anything going to become more and more possible. if every generation decides that their radical change is a longterm goal, then that longterm horizon will keep shifting. i think a widespread mindset shift that radical change is imminent and a direct result from our poliitcal action is pretty liberating, even if i partially do just take it on because i have a weird autistic/nihilist inability to care about my own legacy"

  tomorrow i also have an interview with another place for my year in industry, with a place nearer to where i live. hopefully this one will go well. my last few had gone well but they did end up rejecting me for reasons, i hope that my proximity to this place will work in my favour

  29/03/23

  today i presented a piece of work in a teams call to a partner american uni which was weird. had to hear my own voice over the huge speakers which was very uncomfortable. i'm relatively friendly w my classmate so we could be honest with eachother and just admit we were squirming with embarassment about the whole thing. i do believe it went relatively well though.

  28/03/23

  today was okay! tiring but okay, i made good progress on some work i have to do for an assessment, then i mainly just went home and chilled around as i'd only had a few hours sleep. i did also finalise some of the thoughts i had re; radical optimism as applied to the early church and have put them in my notes file, i'm developing a serious basis to the idea of living in the joy of ideas. a friend also compared it to some of his own absurdist stances which i thought was interesting - i'm not an absurdist so if my work can be taken in its own way whilst maintaining its spirit by someone who doesn't necessarily have ideas analogous to my own then that's definitely a good thing, i certainly want my ideas to have a level of universal appeal in that way.

  also spent some time chilling with my housemates, that's good. i had spent a while not having a proper irl talk w someone who i wasn't related to me which is never good. i move home to my parents' house sooner rather than later though which is a concern. i may need to start consistently meeting people which is terrified. why can't i just move into a big house with someone i love RIGHT THIS SECOND

  27/03/23

  today was a better day.

  am now alone with my thoughts and my insomnia.

  i fear this admiration will be the end of me.

  when last we spoke she did a little giggle at a joke i made and i cant get that sound out of my head now, it was so adorable

  a friend of mine made up a codename for a certain person he will devote a lot of more personal writing to. i don't think that is a terribly good idea for me given the circumstances of what my personal writing may concern and who may be asked to look upon it but i think it is a fun idea. i could write cryptically like a spy about who is my joie de vivre ^_^.

  i think i’d refer to her as my joi de vivre. like, to use the phrase as a noun referring to a person. i was thinking about how i could reach a nickname that isn’t so bleedingly obvious as naming her after a song or piece of media we share, nor something so banal and boring as to refer to her my love or something, but still carries a very immediate meaning to me. i settled on joie de vivre - one of the things i most adore about her is hearing her get animated. she is beautiful when she is excited or happy, it infuses her voice in such a way that is wildly autist in nature, expressionless type, but also is so incredibly animate and obvious. with this type of expression she could always make me smile - she teaches me to be happy. and so she is my joie de vivre - she is to me my lease on beauty and love for life

  26/03/2023

  shit fucking day from the outset. everything is bothering me and it feels like everywhere i look theres just sth else negative or draining on me. my head hurts and i want to go back to bed. i want to live positively but it feels like the world is pitted against me in this respect
  the tone of human speech and angle of human written language at like daggers in my brain right now, i wishi could stop existing for a while out at least not in the company of other people
  EVERYWHERE I FUCKING LOOK IS ANOTHER PIECE OF DAMN NEGATIVITY. IM GOING TO START SCREAMING UNTIL I PHYSICALLY CANT CONTINUE. FUCK.

  i fortunately calmed down. spent the whole day musing to friends about my takes regarding early christianity and the conviction it showed. will compile what i wrote into a page here so that i can write something proper about it someday. the phrase "do you think that there is power in a name?" also came into my head unbidden. another cryptic message my mind needed me to hear

  i walk round the room! i walk round the room in circles!!! i am like a little bug in a cage but not like the billy corgan way. im just walkin here!!!! yeahhhh!

  25/03/2023

  i was asked by a friend in email who my philosophical influences are, and i want to record this in full:

  "i credit st paul and the other christian patrisics with quite a lot of influence on my philosophy too, especially the exceptionally early church a la acts of st luke. their philosophy derived from a true belief that christ’s return was iminent is something i pretty much just want to squeeze into my own brain. its awesome. i want everyone to live in a way so untethered by expectations because they so truly and firmly believe that something wonderful is always around the corner. i think that little microcosm of time where the early christians really didn’t have any doubt that they were right is one of the most powerful levels humanity has ever been"

  if you could longterm harness this energy then i think you could use the electricity generated to power the world forever

  time passes

  i made the mistake of clicking on a reddit thread about DC's deathstroke's now mercifully retconned pedophilia. redditors do really have a fucking foulw ay of looking at pedophilia, don't they? christ almighty this is horrid

  

  i also can't be bothered writing it down in full right now but i did think of a good metaphor and want to note down the following; the tools of capitalism are like a hebrew golem except capitalism's insidious tendrils force the negative outcome onto the worker rather than themselves.

  24/03/2023

  last night i went to sleep having had a strange night of anxiety and frustration, weird pent up energy all around me, but fortunately i slept very well, awoke very early, and now i am content in sitting, doing work and writing on my website. waking up on the wrong side of bed real!
  additionally i went to a bar, and a man who i have actually served at a bar before and who certainly knows me as male, to whom i introduced myself as my deadname, was refusing to accept that i was actually male. to him i was just the picture of a woman despite the fact i am closeted in this area and merely wore my hair down. to my father he said "and who is this lovely young lady you're sat with?". cishet men will never cease to amaze me.

  23/03/2023

  today was somewhat productive, i worked on a proposition for my dissertation that i will be writing in my final year, and wrote another job application for my placement year. i was however more tired than i should've been, and i was incredibly irritated by the amount of wind. there was a gale force wind nearly all day and i didnt have my hair tied back, so i began to look a bit like some insane banshee. that nearly spoiled my morning.

  i am tired and not in the best of moods right now, something something waking on the wrong side of bed - i shall away to bed and spend some time reading, perhaps with some music. goodnight internet, much love and kisses x

  22/03/2023

  i am writing this posthumously because i didn't have this page completed yesterday but its worth including; the phrase "you are my personal saturn" came to me in a dream and im not sure what to make of it. perhaps the makings of a poem or song lyric? maybe a metaphor? but as i lay in bed it kept repeating with variations in my head. also poignant seems the horus heresy novel "saturnine", the image of primarch angron on the cover, the two seem connected to me. saturnine is described in the dictionary as meaning "gloomy". in archaic/alchemical meaning, it refers to lead, which in alchemy is the oldest metal that serves as a symbol of metamorphosis
  i had a brief phase some years ago of a mild obsession with esoteric theories about saturn - its believed by some that saturn holds some form of a connection to hell, whether it actually is hell or whether its some form of connection with it - its connection with the number six via its placement relative to the sun and the hexagonal shapes that appear across the planet. can also point to the more evocative example of the sounds that saturn makes which remind one of some kind of group of people in great suffering. saturn returning to me now in this period makes me think
  im having trouble drawing these all together, but the connection in my mentality between the words in my dream, the word saturnine and angron at the fore of the siege of terra, and the concept of saturnine and its connection to lead is something i might want to return to. the concept of metamorphosis too, comes back to me a lot. everything i read seems to return to a concept of metamorphosis - myself and a friend have been meditating on it too. im struggling to draw the connections together, but something is germinating in my mind of something related to metamorphosis, saturn and satan.

  Decadence, Heartbreakingly Beautiful Decadence

  Do You Think That There Is Power In A Name?