Only an Angel may fly

the things that i think and do

humans should be gods

You Are My Personal Saturn, Saturnine.

Christ is dead and I have killed her.

08/09/23

i am on mild break from constant update of this site bc im too exhausted but i will share these two reflections ive had, one about lenin's state and rev's pessimism and another about st augustine:


i think that this is a pessimism inundated within lenin's work and general theoretical backing that led to his downfall. he demonstrates his obsession with the violent side of revolution, the side that involves wage labour compromises and a reliance upon a democratic centralist state, and refuses to engage with the more joyous, love based approaches that are inundated within the ideas of the true form of communism. lenin was a fantastic and fundamentally hugely important communist theoritician but i think that his negative and pessimistic approach to things allowed a toxic sense of "realism" to infect him and allow opportunism into the revolution

on augustine, his doctrine of original sin fascinates me. it represents one of the earliest conceptions we as a species have of geneticism, with the sin of adam being passed down literally via sexual reproduction, because of the different character sex took on after the fall of adam. the approaches to apologetics and christian theology fascinate me; definitely an example of treating the existence of god as axiomatic and the beautiful prose that comes from it. i am still feeling out in what sense i am influenced by augustine but i most certainly Am.

26/08/23

i oppose wholeheartedly any notion of guilt or moral concern that aligns itself with anything besides the loving as hard and as wholeheartedly my fellow man as much as she is able and accepting to be loved. i piss on christ and his assertation that my behaviour must fit a standard set out based on some kind of superfluous moralism that distracts me from doing what i can with my love. my holiness shall be vanquished and the unholy deeds i shall enact shall contain more hope, desire and joy in them than anything christ the betrayer could offer me.

21/08/23

me and my bestie are reading freud together. this idea he has that guilt is just an expression of anxiety (anxiety being at the root of all things), and that religion comes about as a societal mode to salve that anxiety (expressed as sin)

19/08/23

im striking the past few days from the record emotionally. ive never been mentally ill in my life. also today is mine and clara's one month anniversary! i love her literally so much. im not normal abt her she is my joie du vivre (LOL throwback) and i am so enamoured by her.

14/08/23

i am struggling with the crushing boredom of having nothing to do. days blend themselves together, not even necessarily in a bad way, but they do. the last week was very busy but it feels as if it was a million years ago. i would worry, but this is just a state i exist in when i have few responsibilities which will pass. it is strange though. i also dwell on my mental health a little; my predilection towards codependency is an issue for me, it is one borderline trait i have immense trouble quelling. likely due to the ways i cope with my borderline being largely relational with "fps". i do not feel as if i am in the right place to fix it proper though i shall begrudgingly force myself to stymie that type of attitude in close relations. i remind myself that in the past it has caused significant issues, and that people deserve intimate closeness with me without my eventual freaking out and having to "fix" sth.

also i'm still so in love. everything about her sets my heart on fire. i am enamoured by her in the strongest possible way; she is enchanting

freud's civilisation and its discontents is fascinating. freud's cynically optimistic take on society and its means is enticing to me - he marries cynicism with optimism, says that love is the outset of civilisation but also says so in a very demeaning way based on rather selfish desires, championingideas that humans are characterised by the positive things we talk about but doesn’t take a necessary agreement that those things are positive, as opposed to just saying humans are motivated by greed. definitely lends himself to transhumanist and pro trans/gay mindsets. the supposed clash between society and sexuality being brought up is determined initially as a matter of monogamy - sexual relations are a matter between two people and that a third person being introduced causes strife, whereas society is a relation based on love in freud's mind, but populated by a great many number of people. it is an interesting idea. in synthesis with communism i wonder whether a comparison between polyamory/ethical non-monogamy and a society based upon freedom, love and connection (a la a communist one in the way i understand communism) between all humans might do something to answer this clash freud sees.

09/08/23

i want to be so sweet i make people nauseous. i want to evoke the saccharine sense that fairground candy, childhood love notes and the musical approach of the jesus and mary chain. the bubblegum pop songs of my soul need to be drowned in distortion and feedback. i want to feel like drinking on painkillers, like the feeling you get when you realise you've gotten too high but you're around people you trust intensely so you can let yourself collapse into the altered state. being friends with me should feel at once pointless but also breathtaking. speak to me to find meaning in the emptiness.

07/08/23

i wrote another love poem and she seemed to enjoy it. really enjoyed playing with imagery on this one, as well as having an excuse to spend hours just starting at pictures of someone i love whilst it actually is productive!! in my poetry section lol.

06/08/23

WHY AM I ALLERGIC TO THE FUCKING WORLD

05/08/23

oh christ i am so hopelessly in love

02/08/23

travelling around the city with some friends nad loving eachother is just so wonderful. love is so important. also lately i'm struck by how much i HATE weaponry. as a concept. i think theres probably a freudian reading on how weaponry as a concept is some type of misplaced psychosexual desire (developing this theory will be rly fucking fun lol). the idea of a creation that is designed purely out of killing, maiming and hurting other things is just so horrible to me? i can appreciate a certain animalistic 'coolness' to the bravado and power and also an aesthetic appreciation of certain types of weapons but i have a deep feeling of unease and resentment around all weaponry. it is a disgusting state that there exist items that exist solely for the killing of another human. i wish i had a gun that fired love instead of hate
i approach myself with a sincerity born out of finding myself fun, interesting but also funny. i feel empowered in saying crazy shit sometimes bc ik i do actually know where the line is, i just choose not to make myself always toe it. i think that's a fun way to be

31/07/23

lol so yeah dude wtf!!!! a completely and utterly wonderful thing has happened to me lately and i am still nowhere near close to even remotely believing that actually did happen but i have been, whilst horribly fucking drained and full of trepidation and swinging between extreme emotional states like a see-saw, incredibly incredibly happy. i am entirely and truly connected to the world, my love flows from me and out into the world and it is being returned. i have had some sort of an apotheosis

also i love art. art. especially music. these are wordless expressions of the human soul. no demonstration of human love and joy is more pure for me than in music

i spent a lot of time hiding from the world and sleeping this past week and a bit anyway. tired as hell. but i wonder if im not just undergoing a moth cocoon style metamorphosis (as per usual with me. i change!). also im smoking too much weed which im gonna stop LOL. things are probably good tho :)

19/07/23

a few weeks ago i just wrote "dude wtf". i'd like rn to echo that statement but in all caps bc DUDE WTF

17/07/23

i return to people, and honestly i am struck with a disappointing lack of epiphany or conclusion from the break. it was largely just boring and i feel slightly less glued but otherwise meh, the same as ever. i suppose that could be worse. i was SUPER gay yesterday tho like wow
new t4t poem soon...

14/07/23

related to last entry, i am having a break from people. or well, from a certain person in fairness, not that it is their fault, but i am combining it with what is just a wider break from social media etc, largely just for the sake of it if anything. i am in a trough right now and i know exactly why it is and i hope that as time goes on the independence i gain now will fix that. i am not happy but i am centred and secure, i feel.

12/07/23

i cannot deal with knowing other humans this shit is so tiring. not even in a bad way but everyone (well. 3 people)'s emotions affect me so much such that even talking to one can completely RUIN how i feel about everything. i did a complete 180 on myself so many times and now looking at certain people makes me shrivel up inside. SIGH!

11/07/23

at 9am today i apparently wrote the following in my notes file

that's honestly rather funny. true asf tho i am so proportional. i however have no memory of writing this. i slept until 12 today so i suppose i mustve got up to go to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror???
actually on reflection i think i do briefly recall getting up to pee and staring at myself in the mirror and just being enamoured by how wonderfully and perfectly formed every piece of my face is. i sometimes feel crafted to utter perfection. i am divine.

i really need therapy huh

10/07/23

hard to describe my feelings as of late - i think the relative lack of stimulation due to not having university to attend to is driving me a liiiittle wild. i just get high and lie awake thinking about what it is exactly that makes up my joie du vivre lol. not seeing a certain friend is driving me up the wall a little, also my sleep is going utterly terribly. im... itd be wrong to say im in a low point because honestly im enjoying myself rn but i am definitely unproductive and wilting. if this state was permanent then id be in real trouble. fortunately however it isnt ^^ seeing aforementioned friend tomorrow and going to be Doing Stuff, will probably feel a little more energised then. also no more weed for a while.

i gave myself some solitude and feel better now. more in touch w the world; i feel as if my love and my joy is more centred. connected. it is however concerning that even an hour away from discord helped me so much; my online addiction is causing me no small amount of trouble. perhaps i would benefit from a longer break.

07/07/23

SO TIRED FOR VERY GOOD AND HAPPY REASONS BUT I AM SO FUCKING TIIIIIRED

learning many things abt things :3

06/07/23

something interesting may be happening tbh

04/07/23

ideological optimism is an insanely healing thing to me. i was such a miserable little fucking gremlin and now i am not a miserable little fucking gremlin LOL. monsignor pruitt (im so nerdy) said it best when he said that not only should we not assume the worst, we should assume the best, because that's what god tells us to do.
properly approaching my weird religion stuff is sth i should maybe do. i at this point am essentially a believer in christian theology, the parts of it i like at least, but i am also an atheist who rejects any and all external spiritualism. in true nietzchean fashion i believe that god is dead and that all spirituality is constructed, but in true augustinian fashion i believe that is good. i reject this concept that faith based on an unreal thing is somehow less helpful. if a person is lied to and creates great things from those lies, then is the lie even wrong or less meaningful simply because it isn't by some standard ontologically true. i accept that there are certain things that Do exist (like tables) and certain things that Don't exist (like god) but if the latter can inspire great works then by all means play on. it also grants me the secret power to pull the ace out when it comes to it inspiring terrible things bc i can destroy any and all external spiritualism easily with my sexy humanist powers :3
i think that magic, spirituality, god, theism, are things that are created by the coalescing of human love and relations. they are very real and existing powers for as long as we believe in them. the existence of miracles doens't even remotely clash with my atheist tenets because i am still a humanist. i believe that humans have the absolute ultimate power over the universes they inhabit, i believe that enough people believing something to be true essentially makes it true (with various caveats made around the power of belief, a la the early christians). i don't think that for example it's really necessary to look at a medieval english history book and approach it as if all the people who lived in that era and followed god were in some way delusional. they lived in the god paradigm. it is an anachronism to look at them now when we have exited the god paradigm as if we are somehow more right than them - there are things that we hold as granted now in the 21st century that in the 22nd or 23rd centuries will look utterly absurd. it is my choice to simply accept that absurdity and live my life empowering and believing as powerfully as possible in the human spirit. that is at the core of all religion and that is not something i can oppose.
external spiritualism, that's what i oppose. the idea that there is something inhuman, supernatural. theistic ideas around an overseeing god that created humanity. humanity has no creator, humanity's love stems from nothing but itself. my strongest belief is the following: humanity is and always has been enough

supernaturalism and theism are dual curses but theology and religious belief can be salvaged from them!

03/07/23

i did at least prove to myself that my friends still love me etc, and arent going anywhere after we've all moved out. feeling connected with my friends and loved ones again; some lovely engagements are occuring :] brit luvr lol

01/07/23

well, i finally moved out of my house that ive been in with friends for a year now. pretty sad/melancholic about it, i really strongly miss my friends, especially the one to whom i am closest with (who is also going on holiday for a week so i will not see him for ages and ages D:). otherwise it's for the best though. house was a big stress on me. now i just need to really relax properly

having 2 or 3 fps sounds like itd be great (editors note: NO IT DOESNT) until all 3 of them are awol and not talking to me jklsdfklj honestly in such a terrible emotional state as of late solely bc of bpd. i have only lovely and wonderful fps but due to an issue far beyond his control one of my fps is in an incredibly bad state and it feels like his negative emotional state is just leaking into my head and poisoning the utter fuck out of me. nothing has any joy for me right now its really quite fucking terrible LOL - he wants to die so i want to die. stupid fucking disease because i have nothing going poorly in my life rn but yeah i guess i am afflicted.
also other fp (who i will god willing speak with tonight which should heal me a bit) kinda confronted me with a bit of my weird trans related issues which was a bit of a wakeup call Skull Emoji. im really not ready to process those rn but fuck me that's a. thing!

sometimes i have no one. that is such a horrifying thought. but right now i really just have no one, no one in the world. christ that is so utterly utterly terrifying

27/06/23

dude wtf?

25/06/23

slipping from incredibly upset to bored to joyous lately. a horrible state honestly, something im currently struggling but will hopefully manage to capture in poetry. my borderline traits are forefront lately i must confess. the same issues as i had talked about on 19th unfortunately did not prove themselves ending. it is funny though since i spend great swathes of time feeling fine or even actively good but also great swathes so depressed i can't move. i know exactly what causes it but unfortunately haven't the power to fix it. though i do have the power to manage my responses to it which i am ofc totally doing (< -- lie)
but no, i shall be okay. my hormone dosages are incredibly fucked, and im so horribly overheated constantly. tired all the time. i'll get myself together ^^

21/06/23

a little better today i think. nice.

have been having some thoughts surrounding the latest online trend of radfems (which i was ostensibly within the vicinity of for a period of time), and also the general expression of online discourse. i think that online radfems represent a kind of irrationality symptomatic of their lack of marxist dialectical approach in their supposed staunch materialism - they don't take a holistic picture of all the various factors (especially historical factors) at place to make one's material reality and instead zone in on the bland physical traits (a friend draws up the word "essentialism" here which i agree with) at play that describe them. from this very one-dimensional approach to "material reality" stems irrationalities especially wrt topics around transsexuality. this bears further discussion.

19/06/23

been in the emotional fucking wringer lately but i feel also as if the strife may be approaching an end soon. a particular bugbear has made itself apparent and i shall destroy it

love is the most important thing. i believe that communism is merely the expression of love as applied to politics. the political synthesis of falling wholly in love with humanity

18/06/23

having someone to whom i can just talk about nothing for hours and never get bored is endlessly wonderful ♡

17/06/23

grah why am i retarded abt things. im not gonna clarify what the things are thats between me and god but grah i cant accept certain things just being o k reee

16//06/23

got higher than i have ever been high in my life last night, a lot of fun but jesus im tired and in a liminal space now LMFAO. also i swear to god i just hallucinated a discord message ? this is disturbing me more than it should

14/06/23

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY (< - me @ myself lately)
also ari is so wonderful to me :) i could never ask for a better best friend. he is so endlessly caring and wonderful - the replacement chain he bought me for the necklace he bought me has arrived today and i feel far more whole and content as a person. i am privileged to be around someone as enlightening and wonderful.

fsr reading is a total chore for me lately. managing to get back into it today; finishing the introduction to the critique of political economy before i begin with the german ideology in earnest. not much is being said as such but the introduction to concepts surrounding abstractions of labour and how their being understood is now so possible because of the true complexity of production in bourgeois society is well put. much as i am an adorer of debord, pankhurst and blah blah, it is quite impossible to truly build upon marx without becoming reduced. such a genius.

13/06/23

before sleeping today i spent an hour and a half in a vc with a good friend; we just spoke about dogs which was honestly wonderful bc i love dogs but as we left the call and said goodnight she made a comment that "the more we talk i think the more we realise how similar we are", and honestly that's really nice. quite a good way of being seen - the two of us have super dif aesthetics and interests but indeed i think to the fundamentals we are very in line and similar lol. a dif type of similarity as i have to my close friends such that we are complementary to eachother (i.e. my closest friend is very emotionally grounded when i severely am NOT), this friend and i honestly i feel as if we are just identical in a lot of ways LOL. not all but sometimes she will say something and it'll just be like get out of my head (another friend hwo is incredibly bpd i have the same with). that's nice. an interesting and refreshing way to be seen.

12/06/23

my days are starting to become very boring and blend together, with the only definition being when i spend time with friends. a natural consequence of beginning a period of rest due to time off uni. i still have to move my things out which will be annoying. i'm also going to be getting high on thursday with some soon to be ex housemates!
also wrote a poem today, one i'm rather proud of actually. my tenth! i'm turning into quite a poet, which i'm rather pleased about :)

09/06/23

theory test passed B]

06/06/23

i have not been as happy and content as i feel rn in a long time. my historic closest friend and i had a three hour vc and i feel very much as if i simultaenously revealed and repaired quite a severe and damaging gap or hole in my life. i had been tentatively saying its good to have her back in my life since i wasnt sure itd stick but now i am certain and i feel so relieved that i have my friend back. the gap of years has been so easily bridged and i feel nearly moved to tears by how truly relieved i feel.
also managed to squeeze in a catchup with an old work friend LOL, she is also doing v well ^^

05/06/23

i am making headways into reuniting with a number of friends who were in the past incredibly close to me but i have now drifted away from; it is lovely. despite us having been out of eachothers lives for years, the closeness just immediately returns and i feel like ive filled a hole in my life i didnt even know i had

04/06/23

had my first piercing today!!! a septum. hurt like hell but its done and its cool asf now. then had some big big argument with a now ig ex friend which was weird asf but honestly mainly just funny, i afterwards spent most of the day with one of the other friends who was involved. it was good - we lay down together talking to assuage eachother's anxiety, it's what i love abt friendship
rounded out the day by vcing with clara and also a mutual friend - we had some very interesting conversations, most interetingly on how our approaches to humanism differ. hers celebrates creation whereas mine celebrates love, and it appears the union between our approaches is that we both wish to celebrate the ways people find influence in eachother. having thoughts on marxist humanism lately, hoping to come to some interesting conclusions. good god i love people

03/06/23

jesus yesterday was tiring. i had to be up at like before 08 after sleeping maybe 4 hours to go fail my fucking driving theory (BY ONE MARK. AGAIN. THE MOST ANNOYING THING), then miss my train, not find the book i was looking for after looking across all of town, it sucked .-. tho i did manage to spend a lot of time w my friends when i came back, we all chilled and ate pizza and watched one guy play zelda. ridiculously exhausted although i did at least manage to get some good sleep

today i am speaking with ari who like never vcs which is lovely, we're gonna listen to some music to assist me in my gothic metal quest, and then hopefully also clara as well if she's free and around :)

me to oscar:

becoming an augustinian communist would be weird but also the kind of thing id do. fundamentally though i think spirituality is a subjective thing. trying to work out an objective theism to the world is cringe, but identifying the way human connection and material history brings about magic is worthwhile

01/06/23

debord makes the fascinating point that things like paying for touristic travel or meetings with celebrities represent the amount of alienation we as a society are taken from the actual natural things (conversation, travel, etc) they represent as spectactular facsimiles of.
finished, will return to it sooner rather than later in order to perhaps make some annotations etc. whilst im not certain abt all the conclusions hes made i thought it was very good, his analysis of the commodity form and capitalist view of time, as well as the idea behind this understanding of the spectacle in general were all v enlightening. this understanding of the spectacle was in fairness already rather important to my political philosophising and i suppose now it will be moreso.

i really connect with the lyric "I don't need you to love my soul, I need you to love my body", from the paper chase. i connect it to my homosexuality - gay love is such a denigrated thing but it's in a particular way, owing to the level at which we're desexualised and sanitised. gay people are "reduced" to being artists, theorists and other oscar wilde style people with beautiful soulful thoughts who have no real sexuality. gay desire is so hated, the idea that i may be one of those gay guys who actually wants to have sex with members of the same sex is like, repulsive to the casual homophobe, as opposed to just having some type of weird intellectual relationship. actual, sexual desire from gay people is so fucking radically beautiful. hence, i don't need my soul loved or my art adored or my mind admired - i need to be wanted in a vulgar, crass and sexual way, not in a sanitised way that leaves no room for the actual hormonal passion aflame within me - i want to fuck!
some people would sooner top a twink than stop and think, and i am some people!!! i spent my whole life being told how i'm a good writer or i have a good fashion sense or taste in music or w/e and i appreciate it bc ofc i do and i'm incredibly vaguely speaking content in myself (terrible insecurity moments nonwithstanding ofc) and i have heard these things all my life but i want to be wanted. im tired of the oscar wilde treatment where gay people are denigrated to remain within the artistic world, neutered and completely desexualised, buried in books and abstract music. so tired of every tiny expression of sexual desire being something that the vast majority will be disgusted or grossed out by, so tired of feeling as if i'm genuinely depraved because of my sex drive. even writing this i rephrase myself constantly because i fear i'm going "too far" and that to actually express the mere possession of a libido is something i have to keep under eternal lock and key.

31/05/23

i accidentally broke a necklace my best friend ari bought me, a while back, snapped the chain and i have been very upset abt it, i bought myself a new leather cord that i wont break via autistically pulling but ari is so genuinely lovely that he bought me a new one, this is so kind

so so tired lol. hayfever kickin my ASS! otherwise mainly just listening to music. society of the spectacle is an interesting book - the radical politics section kinda dragged a little for me? very relational without saying too much which i dont necessarily think works for a political thing, but the first three chapters were absolutely amazing. this bit on time is odd but the more i read through it the more i liked it and started to connect with it

29/05/23

never in any period of mylife have i believed in ghosts. isn't that weird? i'm the right type of insane for it but i never believed in ghosts. i need to like. start believing in ghosts for a bit just for fun. also i should read hegel, on a related note
debord is taking down anarchists and socdems and its really fucking funny lol. can basically quote him as saying "stirnerite anarchism is fucking stupid" and hes RIGHT. made some pretty interesting cases about past socialist movements, went really deep into how stalinism fits into the spectacle, i.e. pointed out that his whole purge/teenage girl photo editing phase is a matter of controlling images and history which has obvious relations to his ideas around the spectacle. the whole section on radical politics and the proletariat is important but honestly less enticing to me as someone more interested in the philosophical ramifications. not that this section isn't fantastic too though it's all fucking awesome

wrote a poem today! abt religion and communism. otherwise im resting. on a music quest and tired

28/05/23

we are all a collection of causes. no person is unique, no person is original, and no idea comes from anything besides a long list of predecessor - even the concept of a unique idea pays a complete disservice to the years long past that will inevitably be present. none of us can ever do anything that doesn’t come from those before us. but to take this as a depressive thesis would be an act of insanity. this is a beautiful thing, the most crystallised and intense demonstration of the humanistic understanding that the most important force driving all of humanity is love and connection. humans are a social species and everything we do is backed up by a shared connection and love with EIGHT BILLION OTHER PEOPLE! isn’t that so lovely and exciting? that everything we do is always so connected and loved? i find this far more exciting and lovely than any individualistic idea.
i hate ideas about the “true self” as opposed to the self that is caused by stimuli. as if a habit picked up from a friend, a neurosis inspired by a mental illness, a superstition picked up from some past event that doesn’t speak to some mythological “true self” is in any way less real, something that needs to be picked past to look at the “real person”. no, no. we are a collection of causes and we are to be understood intelligently in our whole.

on another note, i lately ride on intense emotions. i would rather despair and cry over things than become struck with apathy and an inability to feel anything about my relationships or art. it’s something that really upsets me, and i much prefer my current state where i am drawn to tears by art semi-regularly and have a lot of moments where i am drawn to tell my friends how much i love them and they mean to me! i would rather take life as it is, than to detach myself. a shakespeare quote speaks to me here - macduff, when his family was killed, was implored to “be a man”, to not shed tears for them and to take action, but he wouldn’t have it - he says (paraphrased) “i shall, but first i must feel it like a man!”. i first read this when i was 15 and it has been influencing my life ever since - dropping the masculinity implications perhaps, but besides that. to truly live life, emotions must be felt, expressions must be made. i strive to commit myself to the least level of detachment as is rational for me.

good day today. wrote some banger ass emails, did some banger ass socialising, made some banger ass listening plans. tomorrow need to follow through on some of that

27/05/23

read more on society of the spectacle. chapter 2 directly ties in debord's approach to a marxian one, with paragraph 40 being a scathing approach to the commodity form within the context of the spectacle:

the third chapter then goes onto create an evocative approach to the idea of "stars" (both political and media stars), as well as to a general explanation of the falsified conflicts in post-scarcity societal structures. three passages demonstrating these attached:


the ending too even touches on platonic themes. how wonderful

26/05/23

finished it! wine’s predilection towards liberal capitalism was a bit problematic for me in some parts towards the ending chapters but that as an aside it was nothing short of incredible. wine's theology becomes so apparent towards the latter half of the book and the general condensation of the achievements and various forms of the jewish people never fail to amaze me. especailly the discussion of jews under roman rule and also the way the diaspora coped with the industrial revolution were fantastic. just amazing

also read the first chapter of socirty of the spectacle for a flavour beforr i slept. putting into words some of the thoughts ive been having. shockingly good way of understanding the modern capital's seeming success in terms off free time. paragraphs 5 and 12 sum up for me what are the most important theses in debord's understanding of ghe spectacle, and paragraph 27 describes the failure of capitalist 'free time' just exquisitely:

25/05/23

close to finishing provocative people. the comparison between marxist socialists and the enthusiasm of rabbinic messianism. also some absolutely fascinating discussion of the existence of the jews as a ‘diaspora nation’ - a nation that existed solely as a group of people without any land, and the early zionism it inspired, and the contrasting ‘yiddishite’ movement that called for self determination within this diaspora

also fuck proudhon. reading proudhon is like you come for the lukewarm and fairly shit economic takes and stay bc you hate jews

HOLY SHIT

24/05/23

idea for sth to write abt: drawing together the anti intellectualism within liberal and ‘leftist’ spaces (“tl;dr!” and the death of theory) with the general capitalist milieu’s abhorrence towards sincerity and behaving with vulnerability etc. gives a proper format to my anti anti intellectualism polemic. maybe also draw in my hatred of anti-ism?

23/05/23

had an awesome conversation with my friends today - i had talked to them abt how i am trying to be vulnerable and bare my soul out to the world and they had initially not like, taken it on and thought they could never rly do that, but now apparently theyve realised they are actually allowed to do the same and that my joy of life approach is possible to be taken on by anyone at anytime and the only thing stopping them is that they don't take themselves seriously enough, so now they will. we went out and smelled the flowers, and we saw that life is absolutely beautiful. this is so joyful and wonderful and special.

provocative people is an amazing book. its a book of history that tells a theological story in its summation. to read an individual chapter would be to see no theology, but to read the whole book is to innately see wine's theology in the space he leaves behind

22/05/23

spent so much time with friends. delightful. stayed up until 8am and then got up at 15 to go to the supermarket, then stayed and talked with them all until we went to sleep. absolutely wonderful i love people so much

21/05/23

i showed the poem i wrote to the person it was written about - she seemed to like it. i am showing the world my soul lately and i think it is good.

i’ve long since proclaimed to be in love with myself, and whilst i stand by this rather narcissistic assertion, i have altered it; in the past, i considered it an egoistic statement, positioning self interest and myself above others, but no longer. i am in love with myself because i am the most intimate i can know a human via being one, and i am before anything in total, devotional love with humanity. i see in myself elements of other people, and see elements in other people of myself, and this is lovely! i love life and all the people in it, and so i love myself, and everyone else should love themselves too!

19/05/23

i am so terminally in love

18/05/23

in a real depression for today. used all my energy on getting up and doing a driving lesson and now i'm done. life is so fucking horrid sometimes

rough asf day but im calmer at the least now. i should soothe myself ig. also i think i may just accept that i am a person who meows. i am a catperson and i meow in public. whos gonna stop me. god?

i have head and stomach pain and needing to physically soothe myself actually helped my emotional state. i'mtbh just a cute guy who meows so maybe i am allowed to be loved. i dont need to let my depression own me. i astrally projected and saw im just in a generally vulnerable state lately and i deserve protecting rather than to feel sad.

17/05/23

presented the acoustics research myself and some colleagues did, went well! our suggestions will seemingly be actioned, and we're gonna get our names on plaques in the area for thanks apparently. the only note given on our report was 'please give names so we can appropriately thank you, which was lovely
also finalised my position as a demonstrator next year which is very very good

the way sherwin t.wine writes is glorious. he referred to the alliance between 8th century spanish muslims and jews as a 'marriage made in heaven', which is just devilishly humurous. very thoughtful book - glad to be able to devote more time to it

16/05/23

first driving lesson done! lots of fun, i enjoy driving so this is gonna be a good time. last night was rough, a particular thing was bothering me very heavily until i began to cry quite intensely abt it, didn't get much sleep, but we live. i shall be going back to uni today as i am presenting a report to the radio station people today with my fellow acousticians

15/05/23

i have. FINALLY. finished and i am free. FREE! free from uni until september. this is such. yes. good. things are good. driving lessons begin soon and i adore life and all the people in it. letting of an ANIMAL SHRIEK OF VICTORY!

quotes from me to a friend:

also insomnia is rough lately.

13/05/23

slept from 10 to 19 after finishing off my second piece of coursework. DEfinitely getting silly and gay and artistic, i am just. gosh. god. my particular joie de vivre is tearing its way through my heart like a silver bullet, it's both wonderful and terrifying. i'll know what i mean when i get back to reading this even if you dont ♡

today was a good day anyway actually. spent a lot of time with my housemate ji watching him play his silly games, then spent time with clara watching twin peaks. restful and enjoyable day. now have a few hours of downtime that im spending in a vc w a friend :)

figuring out how i continue this timewise is getting real confusing. i didn't sleep for any of the 13th, so i ended up not being able to understand wtf im even do when writing this. i have now gone through another day i suppose? a day of being extremely bone fucking tired! i only have one more day of coursework to do and then im FREE tho!!!

I AM CRACKING OPEN A LID OF RELATIONAL OPTIMISM. it is always my weakest area within optimism - i find it impossible to simply force myself to believe that relational things are going the way i want them to, im a chronic over thinker. i had a brief moment of my normal approach to optimism - approaching with a bias and a faith and then proving it for myself (a dangerous deviation from the scientific method perhaps but honestly what is objective?), i briefly was able to see how it may feel if i simply… believed i am loved and that the actions of people around me are ones of love. it was wonderful, and what’s more i know it will change my actions and behaviour in such a way that it fulfils it’s own prophecy. i am breaking OPEN the lid on this. my horrendous awkwardness and shyness are precipitated by not having the faith that those around me love me, even though in my pursuits as a humanist, i know that their truest form is to love me. i will endeavour to move on in my life future wise believing that those around me love me, and to treat them as if their approaches to me are the ways i would want them to be. it will be the best way to treat those i love, i think.
there is one friend (he is reading this) with whom i do this, because i am close enough to him that i rarely have doubt he loves me, and so our conversation is carried out under an axiom of deep faith in the life we share and the love imbued in it. but i should approach more people this way. upkeep of my joie de vivre will thank me

ive also been too negative about a certain thing. going forward i'mgoing to focus around what i can build and nurture, not what i can destroy and what may remain for me

10/05/23

well. i was right when i said i was going to fall apart into pieces! what an exhausting few days. i cut myself off from everyone so i could get some work done, which was good for productivity but bad for my mental state, i am now ridiculously unsocialised. someone messaged me randomly the other day and i nearly started crying. but! fortunately the greatest portion of my work is now finished so i can get back to being silly, gay and artistic very soon! i am excited to finish sherwin t. wine's book, and even more excited to start debord's society of the spectacle. my summer break approaches and then i shall turn into an insane sheltered artist.

feel as if i'm sloooooowly clawing myself out of a dark and awful hole of uni work and isolation. itll take time but good lord

04/05/23

another 5 hours today! i'm going to fall apart into pieces. i'm alive though. also i think im gonna study theology sometime.

02/05/23

7 hours of uni work today, shockingly tired. my reticence in diary updates stem only feom lack of time and ability. not thinking of much besides work anyway

my feet hurt. i need rest

30/04/23

going to try doing some work today. might get chatgpt to help ngl.
didnt get chatgpt to help but i did do work. had the worlds worst sensory overload too it was really quite horrible! also i think im going to fully move away from being a radfem ngl. i support the ideas but like im so tired of making excuses for their abject hatred of me lol.

29/04/23

I'M SO TIRED I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN HAS BEEN FLATTENED INTO LITTLE CHUNKS AND SOMEONES CUTTING THEM OUT WITH A COOKIE CUTTER AND BAKING THEM. i need to sleep. bit dramatic perhaps but god.

28/04/23

AN EXHAUSTING FEW DAYS. finished off my semester - still loads of shit to do but no more formal teaching at least. also tried to go out for a drink yesterday with some coursemates - i'm so bored of alcohol now i think it's over for me on that. spending a lot of time with friends, also started a rough draft of a very important poem.
my housemate and i sat on grass for some time. he said he was photosynthesising. i get it. also we are ordering mp3 players which is very fun and whimsical.

on provocative people and what it says about my takes on early christians, true faith in jesus born of general messianic conviction against the romans - rebellion theology!
also first usage of idea of ‘zealot’ = radical pharisee messianism?

25/04/23

my lecturer immediately commented on my hat's ears as soon as i walked into class today
today i am unfortunately just very very tired. i can’t really think. i woke up so unbelievably tired i thought i may die. the only reason i forced myself to get into class was because i knew if i didn’t and went back to sleep then i’d get nothing done all day. luckily in class i have been forced to actually work on my coursework so i’ve made progress

24/04/23

SHERWIN T WINE TELLING ME ABT WHERE THE SADDUCEES COME FROM YES PLEASE SIRRRRR
most people have normal spedterests. i care about late bc/early ad jewish approaches to eschatology and the messiah!

23/04/23

had a wonderful long voice chat with my friend who i rarely get to speak with vocally. was very nice - we spoke at length abt intellectual topics we often discuss, spent lovely time together. also worked a bit on some acoustics project - good day i think. people at my very right wing british pub liked my cat ears XDD

i bought my mtg deck upgrades. showcase new sheoldred for £15 - decent! was planning on getting a friend to send me a cheap copy but it sold out before we could figure it out

the passages in a provocative people regarding jewish assimilation into greek culture are fascinating. the early approach of diaspora and the clash between parochial and philosophical monotheism are very interesting - i wonder if this represented a divergent path in history

we should just use unix time from now on. fuck the date. when you use my site you need to think about the unix time not the real time. it's 1682266825, love it or lose it IDIOT!!!
when i decide to actually learn to use html i will def include a unix time widget on this.

hayfever is murdering me. cant think

possible reason for my beliefs on the early christians - arose in a world where ‘salvation religion’ and other such pulls for religion to do more than just guarantee legacy - truly grandiose religion, which they engaged with the zeal of converts!

22/04/23

things hotting up at uni, moving out soon, very fucking busy all the fucking time, but it's good. time 4 da weekend

20/04/23

busy and tired asf! but i had a wonderful time with my friends today. i love platonic intimacy :3

19/04/23

v tired today. did get some thoughts out to some good friends re: fascist art and love though. i love love so much. true love is so important. not just romantic but also not not romantic. i love love!

18/04/23

woke up from a very nice dream this morning and adamantly refused to wake up from it, ended up nearly being late on account of it but it was worth it. honestly i think having things to do cures my mental illness. i'm far too normal right now and it's just because i'm getting up and busy for uni lol. that's like good but also i think my insanity is endearing so it's almost a shame. that's probably a level of maldaptive thought though LMFAO

this book on the history of jewish people is fucking fascinating. wine introduces this idea of "henotheists", polytheists who only worship one god in spite of belief in other gods, and the idea that the cult of yahweh was originally merely a henotheistic cult to a storm god, and explains the processes by which the shifting allegiances between israel, phoenicia and judah allowed the "yawhweh protest movement" to gain hold and cement yahweh as a state deity such that the state of judaism that created the tanakh arose. awesome awesome book, sherwin t. wine is an absolute genius. i only wish i had more time to read!

went through the absolute fucking trials today. 3 hours of walking around [redacted city where i live]. it was fun cuz i was with my friend but jesus im tired. i got some cute clothes and comic books and a vinyl tho.

another weird phrase cane into my head - 'christ is dead and i have killed her'. i think its more of a sympathetic thing than most (incorrect) nu atheist readings of this type of nietszchean idea... i think in a way im christ here. more to think of.

love is something that happens ‘because’, not ‘even though’

17/04/23

back at uni today, also found out i got the best possible grade in a recording id done recently which is awesome. been doing some good communist thought and writing lately, affirmed my position on the idea of "labour vouchers" being needless in this stage of scarcity after revolution, and that i'm honestly not even sure if a ration system would be taht necessary with the amount of resources we do already have. but labour vouchers are problematic in this era of capital. kinda stressed abt uni work but we game

16/04/23

melancholy is a beautiful emotion in me, perhaps in everyone. i stayed up until past 7am 'last night', which may have not been my most intelligent move, but it was completely worth the exhausted nonexistence today ❤️

told my friend earlier that i consider myself the peak of malehood and then realised how insanely vain that makes me sound. have dwelt upon the idea and yeah i stand by this

15/04/23

i believe i am on an upwards trajectory :). yesterday i went through the trials and the hells but i was just being a dumbass.
the enemy.

excerpts from https://internationalistperspective.org/and-the-war-drags-on/